WHAT? HOW? WHAT?!?

Holy Shit. I decided to google it after writing my last post. The current world record holder for the longest fingernails is this woman, and I don't remember anything like this when I was a kid... The picture in my memory is a faded looking back and white photo of a man with nails maybe half this long, and they were all curly, wavy, like kinda cork-screwy. This is insane.

My comments and questions about the Office Max lady still stand, but they are multiplied by like a thousand for this lady. I mean, this is... How? How can you live with nails like that? Can she eat? She can't hold silverware. Can she wash her hair? There's no way! WTF?

And I add one thought: How does she pee? If she can even unzip her fly... well then what? Drip dry? That would bring a new meaning to 'personal' injury. Ha ha ha... I'm so clever... :)

Do the Chickens have Large Talons?

No, but the lady working at Office Max does.

I wish I had a picture. I really do. But I was afraid of her and if I had dared to try to take a picture with my phone, I think she would have clawed off my face. But she had the longest nails I've ever seen on a human being, other than that guy with the gross nails in the Guinness Book of World Records. I wonder if it's still that same picture of that same guy as when I was a kid? Hmmm.

Well anyway, the woman at the register had these nails. They were probably about 7 inches long, give or take and inch. They were curved. They looked like they would maybe curve around something about the circumference of a baseball, and would go more than half way around. They were painted gold. I couldn't tell if they were real (they can't be real! That's almost impossible to grow them that long!) or fake (no wait... they can't be fake! Who would pay money for something so monstrous! They don't even look good! No salon would do that to you! Right?).

I approached the counter to buy my pens. I was unable to take my eyes off the scary nails. I couldn't understand how she could operate a register with those things. Then I saw. Her other hand, which I had not noticed before, had 2 inch long nails. So she stood there doing her job with her right hand. Scanned my pens, put them in the bag, punched keys on the register, all with the right hand. Meanwhile, she was talking to me (I don't know what she was saying, I was hypnotized by the talons) and waving her clawed left hand around in front of me as she spoke.

Wow. These nails would be nearly crippling for most people. Imagine trying to live life like that. Does she sleep with her hand in a box? If not, how does she not roll over and crush the nails and break them during the night? Does she accidentally slice her own face if she isn't careful? Can she drive a car without them getting in the way? How does she get dressed?! My nails have never been close to that long. Not even close to her "short" nails. But it was hard to do simple things like open a beer can, use the phone, set my alarm clock, change the channels on the tv. Basically anything involving buttons is hard. This lady must be insane.

Maybe she is trying to get her picture into that book to replace the scary guy with the long curly nails. If he's still in there...

Why I hate Starbucks

It might seem weird to interrupt the vacation tales with this post about Starbucks, but it will make sense later.

There are many things I dislike about the evil coffee empire. I will make a list:

The Top 10 Reasons I Hate Starbucks

10. Too expensive for coffee that isn't even fresh ground. I can make fresher coffee myself.

9. Their regular coffee often tastes bitter to me, like it has been burnt. Maybe I just have idiots working at my local Starbucks. But it seems like if you are a coffee place, you should be able to make coffee without fucking it up. They should know not to boil the coffee. Tsk tsk.

8. Have you ever been at a Starbucks found yourself looking out the window at another Starbucks? I have. I've been to more than one Starbucks that was in view of a second Starbucks. Starbucks Starbucks, everywhere a Starbucks. Enough already. Sheesh.

7. The pseudo-chill atmosphere. A coffee place with couches and comfy chairs to sit in... this sounds fabulous to me. I love to go get coffee and laze there on a couch reading or talking to people in a relaxing place. At Starbucks, it's like they tried to recreate that scene, but failed. It comes across as terribly corporate to me. I don't find the place relaxing at all. Or comfy.

6. Lame trendy music. I don't really care if John Maher has a new CD. I also don't care if someone from American Idol does either. If I did care, I would go to a music store to buy it. I don't think I would go to Starbucks. Same applies to any other crap they are trying to shovel down my throat in that place.

5. Iced Caramel Macchiato. This is a drink that should not exist. This is terrible. I Did not know what a Macchiato was. I just thought to myself, "Mmmm Caramel!" It was so bad I had to go back and ask them what the fuck happened to my coffee. My understanding now is that a cafe macchiato is espresso with a small amount of milk in it. Like a latte but with a lot less milk. But it seems that according to Starbucks, it means "upside down drink with almost no espresso." Their concept of the macchiato is that you have a cup of milk, then you pour espresso into it. For some reason, you don't stir it. And if it's a caramel macchiato, you then pour in caramel syrup. Again, no stirring. A hot macchiato sounds slightly ok, but still not really. But Iced? You take cold milk, pour in a barely detectable amount of espresso, and then glob in some caramel syrup that hardens in the cold milk and sinks to the bottom. They shouldn't let people order that. Also, I think someone should let them know that they got it backwards. The real idea of the macchiato (at a real coffee place) is to have espresso, with a touch of milk. Who wants milk with a touch of espresso?

4. The customers are douchebags. NOT ALL OF THEM. OK, don't all get in a huff. We all go to Starbucks, it's impossible to never go there if you are a coffee drinker. We are not all douchebags. But honestly, how many people can you stand to see in one place who are ordering a coffee while checking an email on their blackberry, and/or talking on their cell phone with one of those ear piece things? I'm sorry, but if you are out in a public place interacting with live human beings who are THERE in FRONT of you, and at the SAME TIME you are also talking to someone else on a ridiculous looking cyborg-esque bluetooth thing, you are a douchebag. If I am not at work and I hear you saying things like "at the end of the day," "think outside the box," or "win-win situation," then you are a douchebag. It seems that every time I go to Starbucks, there is at least one of these idiots near me. And as much as I dislike the staff at Starbucks (see below), I feel sorry for them when they are trying desperately to move the line along, but you are too busy "troubleshooting" with your team to FUCKING ORDER YOUR COFFEE ALREADY!

3. The cups are leaky. OK, I've only had this happen twice, but I can't think of another Starbucks grievance to air, and a 'top 10 list' is just more snappy than a 'top 9 list'...

2. The Blatantly Insincerely Super Friendly Staff. "HI THERE! (**GRIN**) HOW IS YOUR DAY GOING? IS IT GREAT? ARE YOU SUPER EXCITED?" This was literally how I was greeted last week when I went to get a coffee. Um, no, I am not SUPER excited. I am normal excited. Which, since I am standing in a Starbucks means I am not even a little bit excited actually... And I know you aren't Super Excited either. You are at work. Your job is to feed people caffeine all day. Let's be honest. It's not SUPER exciting. I don't mean to imply that they should be cranky assholes. No. They have a service job, so some friendliness is required. But there is a limit to how friendly people should be. When everyone at every Starbucks on earth is so over the top exuberantly thrilled to see you, every time you go in there, it's obvious that their corporate employer has made it a policy that they have to be that way. If I needed someone to act "SUPER" excited and wear a pasted on smile, I would go see clowns at the circus.

1. THE SIZES OF THE DRINKS. What the fuck? Can't we just have small, medium and large? Tall. Grande. Venti. I have to feel like an asshole when I order my coffee? Since I live in an English speaking country, I feel retarded asking for a Grande or Venti drink. I don't even know if Venti means anything relating to coffee or a size. It is apparently the Italian word for Twenty. "I'll have a twenty iced mocha!" No. That's nonsense. The smallest drink on the menu is "Tall." WHAT THE FUCK? Anyone with a shred of sanity can't put up with this. I heard once that they also have a secret size, the "Short." But it's a secret, so it is not on the menu. If they would put it on the menu I could maybe get on board with the Tall coffee. If they have short, why don't they tell us about it? Again, WHAT THE FUCK? I just want coffee. I don't want a dictionary and secret insider knowledge in order to be able to order the right size, for fucks sake. One of my general pet peeves is places that have drinks sized "Medium, "Large," and "Extra Large." NO. NO NO NO NO NO NO NO. If it is the smallest drink you have, it is NOT A MEDIUM. it's a SMALL you fucking fucktards! I feel like Starbucks executives must not share my aggravation with this idiocy. Rather than seeing that it is illogical, they were inspired, embraced the concept, and then made it their own. Since it wasn't quite irrational enough for them, they took it to a level no one ever imagined possible. Or wanted to.

I feel better having vented about that. Now I feel like I should take a minute to mention two awesome Starbucks employees. These two guys both made my days better. I want to be fare, and so I reluctantly admit they do not ALL suck:

a. Teenager with cracking voice at Starbucks in Safeway- I was grocery shopping early in the morning, started to have caffeine withdrawal, and so I got a coffee. The boy at the counter was, again, a little too nice for my taste. He asked how my day was going, all loud and smiling. I explained that I was at a grocery store at 9am on my day off only because I had been woken up by my JOB calling me and ruining my late sleep. I was cranky. He then caught my cue to tone it down about 50 notches and was just sympathetic and thankfully stopped talking to me so damn loud. The other really cool thing was that 15 minutes later when I was at the register paying for my groceries, I spilled my coffee drink ALL OVER the place. My pants and shoes were soaked in iced coffee and it was splattered all over the ground. He saw this and felt bad, and he just came over and gave me a replacement coffee for free. Thanks Guy.

b. So funny... I was in Prague. Yes, one time I actually went to a Starbucks in Europe. The thing was that any time I tried to get extra shots of espresso in my coffee in Prague, the people seemed really pissed off at me for that. Oddly upset. So one exhausted day, I saw that green sign and decided to just get a big triple mocha and avoid having to go to three different cafes throughout the afternoon. This place was mobbed. There was about 20 people in the line. They were by default conducting business in English, because most of the customers were tourists. The line was going terribly slow. I almost left, several times. But when I finally got to the counter, this Czech guy was taking orders:

"Hello, how are you doing today and how may I please help you today?" he said in his slow eastern European drawling accent. He had that company mandated smile on his face. He kept chatting a little while he was passing my cup with the order written on it to the next person in the production line. Then he informs me "Yes. Please. This will be (some amount of money I can't remember now) for your coffee today!" I paid. Then, "Thank you very much for your business today. I hope you will be enjoying your wonderful afternoon in the city of Prague." Smiling. He repeated all of this with all of the customers.

No wonder the line was so long! There is no reason for all of that when there are so many people waiting. No way. Smile maybe, say thank you, but otherwise you just move the people along and get them out of there. And I was not at all mad at this kid. I really believe he was doing exactly what his manager told him he needed to do. And I'm sure there is an employee handbook about this too. I think he was scared to not say all this crap to us because he'd get into trouble. That poor boy. The situation was ridiculous. And there were all these other really impatient people barking orders for their skinny half-caf lattes no whip at him. He kept on with his slow deliberate script of pleasantries, with a slightly frightened smile on his face. Struggling to maintain his calm friendly demeanor in the middle of a maelstrom of noise and chaos.

That poor boy.

Prague is Adorable (once you leave the train station)

Let me just say that 18 hours of sleep is a lot. Even for me. I pretty much never sleep that much, unless I am extremely sick or something. So to arrive in Prague and then sleep for 18 hours was a shock, even to me. But in my own defense, I was woken up by extremely loud noises in my hotel about once every half hour. It was the loudest place I've ever been. It was far noisier than any hostel I've stayed at, and that is saying a lot. And this was a hotel.

I was fucking tired, and I hadn't taken my alarm clock out of my bag the night before, so I really had no concept of how long I was sleeping. I would hear someone yell in the hallway, slam a door, or go up or down the stairs (A sound that was compared to 'elephants moving pianos'), wake up, groan, roll over and fall asleep immediately.

When I did wake up, finally, I felt like I had been sleeping for a long time, so I thought it was maybe noon or 1pm. I dug around my bags and found my clock. 6pm nearly. OH SHIT! Where did the day go???

I was almost reluctant to go out into the world and to see Prague at all. Almost. I was also very excited, but I was still a bit on edge after the adventures the night before.

I should back up...

The Praha Holešovice Train Station is not my friend. I arrived at about 11pm and was basically attacked by people I consider shady who were trying to offer me accommodations, and were following me around. They were doing this to everyone. They were kind of creeping me out and they were all way too much in my personal space. As a foreign tourist (which was obvious to anyone who saw me, I'm sure), with luggage and all, I always feel like a target. I absolutely hate walking around in a strange place with luggage, because it makes me feel like I am going to be robbed. And when people are all up in my business like that, this feeling increases exponentially. I was trying to get money from an ATM, and get the hell out of that place and find my hotel... I also hate to take money from an ATM when there are shady people around. That whole robbed thing again.

So I found a corner with a bench and I sat down. I got my papers out with the directions to the hotel, and looked at my map. This worked out well, because the huge crowds of other tourists who had arrived with me slowly made their ways out of that place and the creepy people seemed to follow them. Soon there was almost no one around, except for some random stray people here and there. Most of them were creepy too, but at least there were far fewer of them.

So armed with money and having a vague idea where to go, I located the metro, which was basically right next to where I'd been the whole time. One thing was simple.

But then the god damn ticket machines. There I stood. Staring. I was pretty sure I needed a ticket for my suitcase. I'm wasn't exactly sure because of course this was not in English. But I believed that's what the picture was telling me. But I also saw that this lovely machine only takes coins. Of course I had none. I walked all over the place trying to find a way to break my bills. I went to a couple of windows and was yelled at by angry rail station employees and a VERY angry money exchange man. I even was trying to exchange money if that would get me some fucking coins. He became more angry.

Sigh.

I finally saw people playing little casino type machines and there was a woman near them selling snacks and stuff. I bought a coke. I was very relieved. I headed back to the ticket machines. On my way, I found a frightened Asian girl who looked like she was going to cry. So I asked if she was OK, and she was having the same problems I was just having, but not coping at all. Her English was broken but functional. "I need to take Metro. I need to buy ticket but I try find change for money... Here no one kind!" This was something she said to me about 10 times in the next 10 minutes. "Here no one kind."

I couldn't agree more. But at the same time, I've been in my share of European train stations, and they are usually the worst place in the entire city. So I'm trying not to hate it there. I forced a cheerful smile and told her we'd figure it out together. I took her back to where I bought my coke. She bought a coke too. We went back to the evil machines. Her friend was there staring at the machine confused, waiting for her. So the three of us stood there and tried to decipher it. We agreed we needed tickets for our bags. We could not figure out how to buy them though. I decided I was going to pretend my suitcase was a child and just buy it a child ticket and get the fuck out of there. The other two liked this idea. I got my tickets, and they were buying theirs when the machine ate a bunch of their money. They were pissed. They insisted it was OK now and that I should just go. They knew what to do and they would be fine. I felt bad. But I also wanted to get the fuck out of there...

So I decided that Praha Holešovice is an awful place to be at night. However, when I returned a few days later to make reservations to leave on a train to Vienna, it sucked just as badly. And when I went there again, to actually leave to go to Vienna, it still sucked. The people who work in that place are ill tempered folks who seem very upset when you ask anything of them. Even if it is something that is part of their job. If you ask too many questions about when there are trains leaving... you will be yelled at. "THIS IS NOT AN INFORMATION DESK."

"Well, it is... actually... it says it is here on your window.... alright then I'll just take that first train you mentioned... please stop yelling and throwing your hands in the air!"

So anyway, I was a bit timid at first to go face the city of Prague. But I was also suffering from a terrible caffeine headache, and I was starving to death. So I went out the door and started walking in a random direction to try to find food and coffee.

It was lovely. I loved it there almost immediately. It's such a cute city! The buildings are colorful, the views almost everywhere are nice. Pretty much the first thing I saw after going outside and walking for a minute was this:


Don't let the dark clouds fool you. It was actually warm and very nice outside (rained later on but only for a little while). It was a great evening. I got my coffee, had some potato cheesy things, and then tried to get a general layout of the town.

When I say I tried to get a general layout of the place, this means I walked around lost as shit for a long time trying to figure it out. I had read in my book that the Old Town was something like a maze and that it's really easy to get lost in there. NO! I have a great sense of direction, this will be a piece of cake.

I proceeded to go in a complete circle, thinking I was going somewhere... Then later on I went in another circle. A different circle than the first one... But wow. I felt dumb. But it was all fine and good. I didn't care. I was happy everywhere I went so I didn't mind much that I was going in circles. I had a couple beers and then I minded even less. I did manage to find my hotel too. It was a very long walk. But I made it. Then the next day I discovered that if I had taken that other street, I would have been at my hotel in 15 minutes instead of an hour. Oops!

I won't ask for directions and you can't make me!!! HAHAHA.

Aside from my poor sense of direction, I did really love that place. It is a charming city. It's people are quirky and usually very nice (except the ones in the train station). The history and general character of the place are very endearing. Not to mention that Czechs drink more beer per capita than any other nation in the world, and they have delicious beers there. Also let's not overlook the fried cheese. I had a lot of fried cheese there. Honestly, a lot of places had little else to offer me since I don't eat pork or beef. But in a land with so many different varieties of fried cheese, you will never hear me complain.

I know I will go back to Prague again, and I look forward to it.

My view while drinking coffee

Memorial to the Victims of Communism

A Cubist Lamp Post! Hahaha!

www.lizthoughts.gov.www\lizthoughts

Does anybody know what happened to Kinderüberraschung eggs? I love these little chocolate eggs with toys inside. I was obsessed with them during my semester abroad in Germany. I am always excited to get them whenever I am in Germany, and usually can find them all over Europe. But this past trip they were nowhere to be found. They had been replaced with Kinder Joy eggs which were kind of similar, but you open a plastic egg and eat its contents with a little spoon. The real deal is a chocolate egg, which is hollow, and contains a plastic yellow yoke which has a toy inside. This Kinder Joy nonsense is more work . I still got a toy, but I didn't get Joy. It's a scam, i tell you. If anyone has information about this, please share. Tell me they didn't discontinue them!

In Iceland, you have to pass through security with a metal detector in order to leave the airport after arriving on a flight.

I resent places with names that begin with the word "the." The Ukraine. The Gambia. The Hague. The Sudan. Why???? It's awkward and I oppose this. Such as South Africa, and the Iraq, and everywhere like such as and.....

I make exceptions to the above rule. Where there is a plural involved, "the" is allowed. The Hawaiian Islands. The Cook Islands. The Netherlands. The United States. Also, certain other things make sense with "the" like the Czech Republic, The Russian Federation.

If you accidentally open the disc tray on your DVD player, and spray WD40 straight into where the lens is, it will not work anymore.

I would like to see a Canadian somewhere outside of North America who is not clearly marked with a red Maple Leaf somewhere on his/her clothing and/or bags. I am pretty sure I never will though.

Sometimes I feel like Donnie from the Big Lebowski. Only partially aware of what is going on around me, and getting yelled at all the time for no apparent reason.

If you are randomly selected for extra screening at the airport, or happen to make the mistake of setting off the metal detector, a stranger will suddenly become intimately familiar with every inch of your body. I mean LITERALLY every inch. There are certain inches of my body that I prefer not to have thoroughly felt by a strange 55 year old woman in an airport. "Listen, this is awkward. I've only just met you and we've basically gotten to 3rd base already. And you're not at all my type, since I'm not gay. So... um... please finish violating me as quickly as possible, because I have a flight to catch. OK?"

In other countries, apparently you don't actually have to remove your shoes to go through security. I didn't know. I just assumed. I got laughed at...

My cell phone service was shut off for an entire day this week. I was aggravated so much by this. I needed to use the phone many times that day. They finally turned the phone back on and so many people called me that I wanted it turned back off again.

I am curious why there are 20 Walmart shopping carts in the parking lot in front of my apartment. They are all tidy too, pushed together into 2 lines, similar to how they would be at the store. There were none one day; the next day, about 20. Odd.

It takes far longer to write a text message than it does to call someone. In a shorter time, you could convey a ton more information if we would just call them and speak directly to them. Yet for some reason, we all text people. A lot. I do it too. I'm not sure why, but I do. A lot.

In England, the word "fanny" does not mean ass. It refers to female genitalia. If you want to see a lot of horrified and confused faces, find a group of Brits. Go somewhere with a lot of tourists. When you see someone wearing one, point and comment that you think fanny packs are tacky and terribly unflattering. Wackiness will ensue.

Liz+Reykjavik+beer=tired-(sleep/dysfunctional)x Airports suck

Reykjavik is bad for sleep.

Of course I had to have one night of fun in Reykjavik! It's light out in the middle of the night... the bars don't close till the morning... what is Liz supposed to do? Liz has to go drink too much beer and stay out all night! I would have considered myself a total failure otherwise. And it's just so easy to stay up all night when it's not dark outside! Was this good for my confused and tired body and my sleep schedule? Of course not.

So out on the town I went, with three nice Australians I met in my hostel. I'm not sure what the deal is with Australians, but they seem to always be everywhere but Australia. I could be wrong. I've never been to Australia. But every other place I've ever been, there have always been strange numbers of Aussies around. Curious. But they are always cool, so I don't mind. It's just odd to be out in a group of Australians when I'm in Iceland.

Me drinking beer with Australians

But anyway, we went out into the bright night to drink lots of beer. We had fun. We went to a pub, and then we went to a club that I didn't think would let me in... I was not dressed to perfection like everyone else. I was my typical disheveled self. But they didn't stop me! We stayed all night, and I met some entertaining Icelandic people, most of whom were so nice it amazed me. Fun times.

Next day... sleeping. Then up all night again! Irish pub... was accused of being from Greenpeace and being there to criticize the country's policies on whaling. Which I was not even a little bit interested in. That guy ended up being my pal and buying me beers. And seemed like he was going to get into a fistfight with another guy who was staring at me. Whoa! Ok, maybe I should leave now! :)

Alas, I was off to the airport just a couple hours later. Sad.


Travel is bad for sleep.

The next day was difficult. I had an early flight to Frankfurt. The bus to Keflavik airport was late. We arrived to see an unending sea of people trying to check in. It didn't look good for me. It was the kind of line that I think you wait in in Hell. You can't ever see the front, and for some reason it rarely moves.

Did I do any souvenir shopping? Did I exchange my Kronur to Euros? No. I barely made my flight. When I finally checked in, the airline agent told me that I needed to run to my gate. She was very stern and clear about this. She didn't mean not to dawdle. She meant I must literally RUN the whole way across the airport or else they were going to leave without me.

I hate to run. I prefer to stroll leisurely. Even better than that, I really love a nice sit. And whenever possible, why sit if you could be laying down? That's what I always say. I am a lazy fuck. So running across the airport with my unnecessary winter coat and warm clothes and carrying my bag... well, it sucked. But I made my flight. I couldn't sleep though. :(

From Frankfurt, I was to make my way to Prague. I had no reservations. I had not checked schedules. I was fairly sure I was going to end up somewhere unintended for the night. But fingers crossed, I just showed up. I figured I could do a lot worse than getting stuck in Germany. Plus I've been in some wretched train journey fiascoes before and I survived. Hey, at least I wasn't in France. Right? Anything is better than that...

So I arrived and knew I was going to have to haul ass if I was going to make this work. So I didn't exactly run (I was still tuckered out from my morning sprint). But I power-walked the hell out of that airport and went straight to the train station. I was extremely lucky to learn that there was a train leaving in 7 minutes that with 2 very tight connections would get me to Prague that night. YAY!

Seven minutes. This would have been plenty of time. But remember where I'd just been. I was hungover, dehydrated, hungry, sooo thirsty, had to pee, and nearly dead on my feet. So I sprang into action. Bathroom now! Done! Buy water and anything at all to eat while on this 9 hour train journey! Done! RUN DON'T MISS THE TRAIN! Done! Success!

The whole day was a series of running, then being in an uncomfortable seat for many hours... repeat as needed. But I got to Prague. Door to door, it was something like 18 hours. And on these trains, I got almost no sleep, although I couldn't understand why I was awake. I recommend NOT staying up all night before an 18 hour journey across Europe. I also recommend that if you are going from Reykjavik to Prague, you just fly all the way to Prague rather than trying to save a little money. And 2 minute train connections, while completely possible, are very unpleasant.

After a mini-nightmare trying to get out of the Prague train station (not a cool place late at night, to be honest), and figuring out the metro ticket machines that were designed by the devil, some confused wandering of streets I checked into my hotel. I went to sleep nearly immediately. I proceeded to sleep for 18 hours.

I woke up at about 6pm. I was right on track to conquer my jetlag...