Why I hate Starbucks

It might seem weird to interrupt the vacation tales with this post about Starbucks, but it will make sense later.

There are many things I dislike about the evil coffee empire. I will make a list:

The Top 10 Reasons I Hate Starbucks

10. Too expensive for coffee that isn't even fresh ground. I can make fresher coffee myself.

9. Their regular coffee often tastes bitter to me, like it has been burnt. Maybe I just have idiots working at my local Starbucks. But it seems like if you are a coffee place, you should be able to make coffee without fucking it up. They should know not to boil the coffee. Tsk tsk.

8. Have you ever been at a Starbucks found yourself looking out the window at another Starbucks? I have. I've been to more than one Starbucks that was in view of a second Starbucks. Starbucks Starbucks, everywhere a Starbucks. Enough already. Sheesh.

7. The pseudo-chill atmosphere. A coffee place with couches and comfy chairs to sit in... this sounds fabulous to me. I love to go get coffee and laze there on a couch reading or talking to people in a relaxing place. At Starbucks, it's like they tried to recreate that scene, but failed. It comes across as terribly corporate to me. I don't find the place relaxing at all. Or comfy.

6. Lame trendy music. I don't really care if John Maher has a new CD. I also don't care if someone from American Idol does either. If I did care, I would go to a music store to buy it. I don't think I would go to Starbucks. Same applies to any other crap they are trying to shovel down my throat in that place.

5. Iced Caramel Macchiato. This is a drink that should not exist. This is terrible. I Did not know what a Macchiato was. I just thought to myself, "Mmmm Caramel!" It was so bad I had to go back and ask them what the fuck happened to my coffee. My understanding now is that a cafe macchiato is espresso with a small amount of milk in it. Like a latte but with a lot less milk. But it seems that according to Starbucks, it means "upside down drink with almost no espresso." Their concept of the macchiato is that you have a cup of milk, then you pour espresso into it. For some reason, you don't stir it. And if it's a caramel macchiato, you then pour in caramel syrup. Again, no stirring. A hot macchiato sounds slightly ok, but still not really. But Iced? You take cold milk, pour in a barely detectable amount of espresso, and then glob in some caramel syrup that hardens in the cold milk and sinks to the bottom. They shouldn't let people order that. Also, I think someone should let them know that they got it backwards. The real idea of the macchiato (at a real coffee place) is to have espresso, with a touch of milk. Who wants milk with a touch of espresso?

4. The customers are douchebags. NOT ALL OF THEM. OK, don't all get in a huff. We all go to Starbucks, it's impossible to never go there if you are a coffee drinker. We are not all douchebags. But honestly, how many people can you stand to see in one place who are ordering a coffee while checking an email on their blackberry, and/or talking on their cell phone with one of those ear piece things? I'm sorry, but if you are out in a public place interacting with live human beings who are THERE in FRONT of you, and at the SAME TIME you are also talking to someone else on a ridiculous looking cyborg-esque bluetooth thing, you are a douchebag. If I am not at work and I hear you saying things like "at the end of the day," "think outside the box," or "win-win situation," then you are a douchebag. It seems that every time I go to Starbucks, there is at least one of these idiots near me. And as much as I dislike the staff at Starbucks (see below), I feel sorry for them when they are trying desperately to move the line along, but you are too busy "troubleshooting" with your team to FUCKING ORDER YOUR COFFEE ALREADY!

3. The cups are leaky. OK, I've only had this happen twice, but I can't think of another Starbucks grievance to air, and a 'top 10 list' is just more snappy than a 'top 9 list'...

2. The Blatantly Insincerely Super Friendly Staff. "HI THERE! (**GRIN**) HOW IS YOUR DAY GOING? IS IT GREAT? ARE YOU SUPER EXCITED?" This was literally how I was greeted last week when I went to get a coffee. Um, no, I am not SUPER excited. I am normal excited. Which, since I am standing in a Starbucks means I am not even a little bit excited actually... And I know you aren't Super Excited either. You are at work. Your job is to feed people caffeine all day. Let's be honest. It's not SUPER exciting. I don't mean to imply that they should be cranky assholes. No. They have a service job, so some friendliness is required. But there is a limit to how friendly people should be. When everyone at every Starbucks on earth is so over the top exuberantly thrilled to see you, every time you go in there, it's obvious that their corporate employer has made it a policy that they have to be that way. If I needed someone to act "SUPER" excited and wear a pasted on smile, I would go see clowns at the circus.

1. THE SIZES OF THE DRINKS. What the fuck? Can't we just have small, medium and large? Tall. Grande. Venti. I have to feel like an asshole when I order my coffee? Since I live in an English speaking country, I feel retarded asking for a Grande or Venti drink. I don't even know if Venti means anything relating to coffee or a size. It is apparently the Italian word for Twenty. "I'll have a twenty iced mocha!" No. That's nonsense. The smallest drink on the menu is "Tall." WHAT THE FUCK? Anyone with a shred of sanity can't put up with this. I heard once that they also have a secret size, the "Short." But it's a secret, so it is not on the menu. If they would put it on the menu I could maybe get on board with the Tall coffee. If they have short, why don't they tell us about it? Again, WHAT THE FUCK? I just want coffee. I don't want a dictionary and secret insider knowledge in order to be able to order the right size, for fucks sake. One of my general pet peeves is places that have drinks sized "Medium, "Large," and "Extra Large." NO. NO NO NO NO NO NO NO. If it is the smallest drink you have, it is NOT A MEDIUM. it's a SMALL you fucking fucktards! I feel like Starbucks executives must not share my aggravation with this idiocy. Rather than seeing that it is illogical, they were inspired, embraced the concept, and then made it their own. Since it wasn't quite irrational enough for them, they took it to a level no one ever imagined possible. Or wanted to.

I feel better having vented about that. Now I feel like I should take a minute to mention two awesome Starbucks employees. These two guys both made my days better. I want to be fare, and so I reluctantly admit they do not ALL suck:

a. Teenager with cracking voice at Starbucks in Safeway- I was grocery shopping early in the morning, started to have caffeine withdrawal, and so I got a coffee. The boy at the counter was, again, a little too nice for my taste. He asked how my day was going, all loud and smiling. I explained that I was at a grocery store at 9am on my day off only because I had been woken up by my JOB calling me and ruining my late sleep. I was cranky. He then caught my cue to tone it down about 50 notches and was just sympathetic and thankfully stopped talking to me so damn loud. The other really cool thing was that 15 minutes later when I was at the register paying for my groceries, I spilled my coffee drink ALL OVER the place. My pants and shoes were soaked in iced coffee and it was splattered all over the ground. He saw this and felt bad, and he just came over and gave me a replacement coffee for free. Thanks Guy.

b. So funny... I was in Prague. Yes, one time I actually went to a Starbucks in Europe. The thing was that any time I tried to get extra shots of espresso in my coffee in Prague, the people seemed really pissed off at me for that. Oddly upset. So one exhausted day, I saw that green sign and decided to just get a big triple mocha and avoid having to go to three different cafes throughout the afternoon. This place was mobbed. There was about 20 people in the line. They were by default conducting business in English, because most of the customers were tourists. The line was going terribly slow. I almost left, several times. But when I finally got to the counter, this Czech guy was taking orders:

"Hello, how are you doing today and how may I please help you today?" he said in his slow eastern European drawling accent. He had that company mandated smile on his face. He kept chatting a little while he was passing my cup with the order written on it to the next person in the production line. Then he informs me "Yes. Please. This will be (some amount of money I can't remember now) for your coffee today!" I paid. Then, "Thank you very much for your business today. I hope you will be enjoying your wonderful afternoon in the city of Prague." Smiling. He repeated all of this with all of the customers.

No wonder the line was so long! There is no reason for all of that when there are so many people waiting. No way. Smile maybe, say thank you, but otherwise you just move the people along and get them out of there. And I was not at all mad at this kid. I really believe he was doing exactly what his manager told him he needed to do. And I'm sure there is an employee handbook about this too. I think he was scared to not say all this crap to us because he'd get into trouble. That poor boy. The situation was ridiculous. And there were all these other really impatient people barking orders for their skinny half-caf lattes no whip at him. He kept on with his slow deliberate script of pleasantries, with a slightly frightened smile on his face. Struggling to maintain his calm friendly demeanor in the middle of a maelstrom of noise and chaos.

That poor boy.

Prague is Adorable (once you leave the train station)

Let me just say that 18 hours of sleep is a lot. Even for me. I pretty much never sleep that much, unless I am extremely sick or something. So to arrive in Prague and then sleep for 18 hours was a shock, even to me. But in my own defense, I was woken up by extremely loud noises in my hotel about once every half hour. It was the loudest place I've ever been. It was far noisier than any hostel I've stayed at, and that is saying a lot. And this was a hotel.

I was fucking tired, and I hadn't taken my alarm clock out of my bag the night before, so I really had no concept of how long I was sleeping. I would hear someone yell in the hallway, slam a door, or go up or down the stairs (A sound that was compared to 'elephants moving pianos'), wake up, groan, roll over and fall asleep immediately.

When I did wake up, finally, I felt like I had been sleeping for a long time, so I thought it was maybe noon or 1pm. I dug around my bags and found my clock. 6pm nearly. OH SHIT! Where did the day go???

I was almost reluctant to go out into the world and to see Prague at all. Almost. I was also very excited, but I was still a bit on edge after the adventures the night before.

I should back up...

The Praha Holešovice Train Station is not my friend. I arrived at about 11pm and was basically attacked by people I consider shady who were trying to offer me accommodations, and were following me around. They were doing this to everyone. They were kind of creeping me out and they were all way too much in my personal space. As a foreign tourist (which was obvious to anyone who saw me, I'm sure), with luggage and all, I always feel like a target. I absolutely hate walking around in a strange place with luggage, because it makes me feel like I am going to be robbed. And when people are all up in my business like that, this feeling increases exponentially. I was trying to get money from an ATM, and get the hell out of that place and find my hotel... I also hate to take money from an ATM when there are shady people around. That whole robbed thing again.

So I found a corner with a bench and I sat down. I got my papers out with the directions to the hotel, and looked at my map. This worked out well, because the huge crowds of other tourists who had arrived with me slowly made their ways out of that place and the creepy people seemed to follow them. Soon there was almost no one around, except for some random stray people here and there. Most of them were creepy too, but at least there were far fewer of them.

So armed with money and having a vague idea where to go, I located the metro, which was basically right next to where I'd been the whole time. One thing was simple.

But then the god damn ticket machines. There I stood. Staring. I was pretty sure I needed a ticket for my suitcase. I'm wasn't exactly sure because of course this was not in English. But I believed that's what the picture was telling me. But I also saw that this lovely machine only takes coins. Of course I had none. I walked all over the place trying to find a way to break my bills. I went to a couple of windows and was yelled at by angry rail station employees and a VERY angry money exchange man. I even was trying to exchange money if that would get me some fucking coins. He became more angry.

Sigh.

I finally saw people playing little casino type machines and there was a woman near them selling snacks and stuff. I bought a coke. I was very relieved. I headed back to the ticket machines. On my way, I found a frightened Asian girl who looked like she was going to cry. So I asked if she was OK, and she was having the same problems I was just having, but not coping at all. Her English was broken but functional. "I need to take Metro. I need to buy ticket but I try find change for money... Here no one kind!" This was something she said to me about 10 times in the next 10 minutes. "Here no one kind."

I couldn't agree more. But at the same time, I've been in my share of European train stations, and they are usually the worst place in the entire city. So I'm trying not to hate it there. I forced a cheerful smile and told her we'd figure it out together. I took her back to where I bought my coke. She bought a coke too. We went back to the evil machines. Her friend was there staring at the machine confused, waiting for her. So the three of us stood there and tried to decipher it. We agreed we needed tickets for our bags. We could not figure out how to buy them though. I decided I was going to pretend my suitcase was a child and just buy it a child ticket and get the fuck out of there. The other two liked this idea. I got my tickets, and they were buying theirs when the machine ate a bunch of their money. They were pissed. They insisted it was OK now and that I should just go. They knew what to do and they would be fine. I felt bad. But I also wanted to get the fuck out of there...

So I decided that Praha Holešovice is an awful place to be at night. However, when I returned a few days later to make reservations to leave on a train to Vienna, it sucked just as badly. And when I went there again, to actually leave to go to Vienna, it still sucked. The people who work in that place are ill tempered folks who seem very upset when you ask anything of them. Even if it is something that is part of their job. If you ask too many questions about when there are trains leaving... you will be yelled at. "THIS IS NOT AN INFORMATION DESK."

"Well, it is... actually... it says it is here on your window.... alright then I'll just take that first train you mentioned... please stop yelling and throwing your hands in the air!"

So anyway, I was a bit timid at first to go face the city of Prague. But I was also suffering from a terrible caffeine headache, and I was starving to death. So I went out the door and started walking in a random direction to try to find food and coffee.

It was lovely. I loved it there almost immediately. It's such a cute city! The buildings are colorful, the views almost everywhere are nice. Pretty much the first thing I saw after going outside and walking for a minute was this:


Don't let the dark clouds fool you. It was actually warm and very nice outside (rained later on but only for a little while). It was a great evening. I got my coffee, had some potato cheesy things, and then tried to get a general layout of the town.

When I say I tried to get a general layout of the place, this means I walked around lost as shit for a long time trying to figure it out. I had read in my book that the Old Town was something like a maze and that it's really easy to get lost in there. NO! I have a great sense of direction, this will be a piece of cake.

I proceeded to go in a complete circle, thinking I was going somewhere... Then later on I went in another circle. A different circle than the first one... But wow. I felt dumb. But it was all fine and good. I didn't care. I was happy everywhere I went so I didn't mind much that I was going in circles. I had a couple beers and then I minded even less. I did manage to find my hotel too. It was a very long walk. But I made it. Then the next day I discovered that if I had taken that other street, I would have been at my hotel in 15 minutes instead of an hour. Oops!

I won't ask for directions and you can't make me!!! HAHAHA.

Aside from my poor sense of direction, I did really love that place. It is a charming city. It's people are quirky and usually very nice (except the ones in the train station). The history and general character of the place are very endearing. Not to mention that Czechs drink more beer per capita than any other nation in the world, and they have delicious beers there. Also let's not overlook the fried cheese. I had a lot of fried cheese there. Honestly, a lot of places had little else to offer me since I don't eat pork or beef. But in a land with so many different varieties of fried cheese, you will never hear me complain.

I know I will go back to Prague again, and I look forward to it.

My view while drinking coffee

Memorial to the Victims of Communism

A Cubist Lamp Post! Hahaha!

Wieners everywhere...

Sorry, that's not that funny... but I have an immature sense of humor i think. :)

I am in Vienna, Austria, in german this is Wien, and the people who live here are Wieners... hahahaha.... ok sorry, enough of that!

So I have been a combination of busy, lazy, drunk, lost, tired etc... for some time now and didnt get a chance to write. No, I am not dead. I am pleased to say that I managed to not get swallowed by a glacier!

I should back up I think...

My first stop on my trip was lovely Massachusetts where I visited home and went to cape cod. That was nice because I got to see family I haven't seen in years.

Then I went to Iceland. Iceland was AMAZING. Beautiful in the summer. And it's just a crazy wacky place. I absolutely love it there. If I had unlimited money, I would go all the time. I went on an all day journey all over to see the bizarre landscape of that country. I saw volcanoes, lava fields, hot springs, lakes, glaciers... it was great. And I went snowmobiling on a glacier, which was why I thought I was going to end up dead in a glacier. But no fatalities! One minor crash, but it was more funny than serious. I will write more about all of this when I am home and there isn't a bunch of angry people staring at me wanting me to get off the computer...

I went from Iceland to Prague, which I at first did not like. But it really grew on me and I loved it there. I really fail miserably as a tourist, so I missed a lot of those really "important" touristy sites, I am afraid. I had an amazing time though, didn't want to leave, and will happily return some day. Very charming and lovely place.

Now in the land of Wieners, resurrecting my rusty German skills, drinking beer. Looking at palaces, deciding I would rather not go to another palace ever again in my life if possible, getting lost in a hedgemaze! Meeting cool people, having fun.

Today, however, was cold and raining, and I was TIIIIIIIIRED. I was out drinking till 5am last night, I am catching a cold, and my feet... My feet are in a terrible condition. My normally comfy shoes were defeated by use and abuse and they began to destroy my feet a couple of days ago. I have blisters and cuts. I also have an ingrown toenail that is totally out of control. I am pretty distressed by the size and color of my toe. I just try to ignore it and I keep on going. So...

Liz did nearly nothing today. My day consisted of only this: I walk in the rain, some yummy Falafel which had all kinds of strange things in the wrap (never had cabbage and saurkraut with my falafel before, and there was some stuff that I was unable to identify buried in there too). I then had great deal of coffee to try to get some energy to be productive. When the coffee failed, I resumed my mission to find bandages for my bleeding feet. Which i finally found. YAY! Then I returned to the hostel, (again, long walk in the rain) read my book, took a nap. The end. What a waste. But I am great at wasting time. It's probably the thing I do best!

Now my time is up and those people are still staring at me, waiting, looking like they are slowly losing their will to live. So I am going to try to get to sleep at a reasonable hour tonight!