Well, I don't want everyone to be all depressed or think I hate my home. I don't hate either of my homes, and even though I miss people and places, I am doing well. And I suppose I should just come to terms with the fact that I am a Masshole-Zony Hybrid now, so I should just embrace the dichotomy, right? Oh yeah, by the way:
Word of the Day:
Dichotomy: [die-kot-a-mee] n. Division into two usually contradictory parts or opinions. By the way, there is a good chance that I'm not exacly using that word correctly in the sentence above. But I try.
OK, enough of my yammering and tangents. I now present two totally unoriginal things that I have stolen off of the internet, for your amusement and mine. You may have seen these before, but if you are from AZ or MA, give them a read again, because I know they've made me chuckle more than once. Enjoy, and yes both halves are represented!
YOU KNOW YOU'RE FROM MASSACHUSETTS IF.....
1. You've pulled out of a side street and used your car to block oncoming traffic so you can make a left
2. Stop signs mean slow down a little, but only of you want to
3. You know how to cross four lanes of traffic in five seconds
4. You believe using your turn signals gives away your plan to the enemy
5. You think it's not actually tailgating unless you're touching the bumper of the car in front of you
6. You know that a yellow light means that at least five more people can get through and a red one means two more can
7. The transportation system is known as the "T"
8. You could own a small town in Iowa for the cost of your house
9. You almost feel dissapointed when someone doesnt flip you off when you cut them off or steal their parking space
10. There are 24 Dunkin Donuts shops within 15 minutes of your house
11. When people talk about "The Curse Of The Bambino" you just say remember that time the Red Sox made history by coming back from 3 games down against the Yankees and went on to win the world series???
12. You're amazed when traveling out of town that people at McDonalds actually speak english
13. If you stay on the same road long enough it eventually has three different names
14. Someone has honked at you because you didnt peel out the second the light turned green
15. You have honked at someone because they didn't peel out the second the light turned green
16. All the potholes just add to the excitement of driving
17. You think if someones nice to you they either want something or they are from out of town and lost
18. Six inches of snow is considered a dusting
19. Three days of 90 degree heat is definately a "heat wave" 63 degrees is "on the warm side"
20. You cringe everytime you hear some actor/actress imitate the "Boston Accent" on TV or in a movie, if you don't have it then you're never going to get it even if you were born here
21. At the ice cream shop you call chocolate sprinkles "jimmies"
22. You can go from one side of town to the other in less than fifteen minutes and see at least fifteen losers you went to high school with doing the same thing they were doing when you saw them last
23. It is raining and/or snowing, the person in front of you is going 70, and you're still cursing them for going too slow
24. You know how to pronounce towns like Worcester, Haverhill, and Cotuit
25. You know what they sell at a "packie"
26.You've called something "wicked pissa"
27. You've slammed on your brakes to deter a tailgator
28. You still try to order curly fries from Burger King
29. You keep an ice scraper in your car all year round
30. You know at least three Tony's one Vinnie, and a Frank
31. Paranoia sets in when you can't see an ATM or CVS
32. You think crosswalks are for wimps
33. You've bragged about saving money at The Christmas Tree Shop
34. You know what "regular coffee" is, and you order iced coffee in January
35. You can navigate a rotary without a problem
36. You have been to Fenway Park
37. You refer to the New York Yankees as the Evil Empire
38. You feel the rest of the world needs to drive more like you
39. When someone calls you a "masshole" you take it as a compliment
40. You use the words "wicked" and "good" in the same sentence
41. You know what a frappe is
42. Saint Patrticks Day is your second favorite holiday
43. You are proud to drink Sam Adams and think that the rest of the country owes Bostonians a thank you
44. You never say "Cape Cod" you say "the cape"
45. You went to Old Sturbridge Village and Plymouth Plantation in elementary school
46. You can drive to the mountains and the ocean all in one day
47. You have a special place in your heart for the Worcester Firefighters
48. You know the Mass Pike and 128 are some strange weather dividing lines
49. You do not recognize the letter "R" as a part of the English language.
50. You've gone from I-95 South to I-93 North by driving in a straight line and never changing direction.
51. You understand everything just said and passed it on to other massholes
52. You know you're from Mass when you give directions that cite land marks that USED to be there...
You bang a left at the lights, and then you drive just past where the old farm was... the one that used to have the giant catepillar in front... and then you take a wicked sharp right to where the movie theater used to be...
2. Stop signs mean slow down a little, but only of you want to
3. You know how to cross four lanes of traffic in five seconds
4. You believe using your turn signals gives away your plan to the enemy
5. You think it's not actually tailgating unless you're touching the bumper of the car in front of you
6. You know that a yellow light means that at least five more people can get through and a red one means two more can
7. The transportation system is known as the "T"
8. You could own a small town in Iowa for the cost of your house
9. You almost feel dissapointed when someone doesnt flip you off when you cut them off or steal their parking space
10. There are 24 Dunkin Donuts shops within 15 minutes of your house
11. When people talk about "The Curse Of The Bambino" you just say remember that time the Red Sox made history by coming back from 3 games down against the Yankees and went on to win the world series???
12. You're amazed when traveling out of town that people at McDonalds actually speak english
13. If you stay on the same road long enough it eventually has three different names
14. Someone has honked at you because you didnt peel out the second the light turned green
15. You have honked at someone because they didn't peel out the second the light turned green
16. All the potholes just add to the excitement of driving
17. You think if someones nice to you they either want something or they are from out of town and lost
18. Six inches of snow is considered a dusting
19. Three days of 90 degree heat is definately a "heat wave" 63 degrees is "on the warm side"
20. You cringe everytime you hear some actor/actress imitate the "Boston Accent" on TV or in a movie, if you don't have it then you're never going to get it even if you were born here
21. At the ice cream shop you call chocolate sprinkles "jimmies"
22. You can go from one side of town to the other in less than fifteen minutes and see at least fifteen losers you went to high school with doing the same thing they were doing when you saw them last
23. It is raining and/or snowing, the person in front of you is going 70, and you're still cursing them for going too slow
24. You know how to pronounce towns like Worcester, Haverhill, and Cotuit
25. You know what they sell at a "packie"
26.You've called something "wicked pissa"
27. You've slammed on your brakes to deter a tailgator
28. You still try to order curly fries from Burger King
29. You keep an ice scraper in your car all year round
30. You know at least three Tony's one Vinnie, and a Frank
31. Paranoia sets in when you can't see an ATM or CVS
32. You think crosswalks are for wimps
33. You've bragged about saving money at The Christmas Tree Shop
34. You know what "regular coffee" is, and you order iced coffee in January
35. You can navigate a rotary without a problem
36. You have been to Fenway Park
37. You refer to the New York Yankees as the Evil Empire
38. You feel the rest of the world needs to drive more like you
39. When someone calls you a "masshole" you take it as a compliment
40. You use the words "wicked" and "good" in the same sentence
41. You know what a frappe is
42. Saint Patrticks Day is your second favorite holiday
43. You are proud to drink Sam Adams and think that the rest of the country owes Bostonians a thank you
44. You never say "Cape Cod" you say "the cape"
45. You went to Old Sturbridge Village and Plymouth Plantation in elementary school
46. You can drive to the mountains and the ocean all in one day
47. You have a special place in your heart for the Worcester Firefighters
48. You know the Mass Pike and 128 are some strange weather dividing lines
49. You do not recognize the letter "R" as a part of the English language.
50. You've gone from I-95 South to I-93 North by driving in a straight line and never changing direction.
51. You understand everything just said and passed it on to other massholes
52. You know you're from Mass when you give directions that cite land marks that USED to be there...
You bang a left at the lights, and then you drive just past where the old farm was... the one that used to have the giant catepillar in front... and then you take a wicked sharp right to where the movie theater used to be...
* * * *
YOU KNOW YOU'RE FROM ARIZONA WHEN.....
You notice your car overheating before you drive it.
You no longer associate bridges or rivers with water.
You can hear the weather forecast of 115 degrees without flinching.
You can be in the snow, then drive for an hour...and it will be over 100 degrees.
You discover, in July it only takes two fingers to drive your car, because your steering wheel is so hot.
You run your air conditioner in the middle of winter so you can use your fireplace.
The best parking is determined by shade.....not distance.
You realize that "Valley Fever" isn't a disco dance.
You can make sun tea instantly.
Hotter water comes from the cold water tap than the hot one.
It's noon in July, kids are on summer vacation and yet all the streets are totally empty of both cars and people.
You actually burn your hand opening the car door.
Sunscreen is sold year round and kept right at the checkout counter.
You put on fresh sunscreen just to go check the mail box.
Some fools will market mini-misters for joggers and some other fools will actually buy them. Worse.....some fools actually try to jog.
You can pronounce Saguaro, Tempe, San Xavier, Canyon de Chelly, Mogollon Rim, Cholla, Gila and Tucson.
You can understand the reason for a town named "Why"
You can fry an egg on the hood of a car in the morning.
You know hot air balloons can't rise because the air temperature is hotter than the air inside the balloon.
You see two trees fighting over a dog.
You can say "Hohokam" and people don't think you're laughing funny.
You see more irrigation water on the street than there is in the Salt River
You have to go to a fake beach for some fake waves
You hear people say "but it's a dry heat!"
You buy salsa by the gallon.
Your Christmas decorations include sand and l00 paper bags.
You think a red light is merely a suggestion.
All of your out-of-state friends start to visit after October but clear out come the end of April.
You think someone driving wearing oven mitts is clever.
Most of the restaurants in town have the first name "El" or "Los."
You think 60 tons of crushed red rock makes a beautiful yard.
Your house is made of stucco and has a red clay tile roof.
Vehicles with open windows have the right-of-way in the summer.
Most homes have more firearms than people.
Kids ask, "What's a mosquito?"
People who have black cars or black upholstery in their car are automatically assumed to be from out of-state or nuts.
You know better than to get into a car with leather seats if you're wearing shorts.
You can finish a Big Gulp in 10 minutes and go back for seconds.
You take rain dances seriously.
When a rainy day puts you in a good mood.
When you drive two miles around a parking lot looking for a shady place - even in the dead of winter.
You feed your chickens ice cubes to keep them from laying hard-boiled eggs.
You "hug" a cactus only once in your lifetime.
When you have to look up "mass transit" in the dictionary.
A hundred ten in the shade is sorta hot, but you don't have to shovel it off your driveway.
A haboob happens.
Petrified doesn't mean scared.
The temperature drops below 95, you feel a bit chilly.
You've lived in AZ your whole life and have never been to the Grand Canyon
You would give anything to be able to splash cold water on your face.
You can attend any function wearing shorts and a tank top.
You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.
you realize that snowbirds aren't really birds at all, but just really bad out of state drivers that you learn to hate
there are only two temperatures, hot and hotter
even thinking about not having air conditioning makes you sweat
you travel out of state and any sort of humidity nearly kills you
*you have no idea why 48 other states (Hawaii doesn't do it either) insist on changing their clocks twice a year for this thing called "daylight savings time"
You no longer associate bridges or rivers with water.
You can hear the weather forecast of 115 degrees without flinching.
You can be in the snow, then drive for an hour...and it will be over 100 degrees.
You discover, in July it only takes two fingers to drive your car, because your steering wheel is so hot.
You run your air conditioner in the middle of winter so you can use your fireplace.
The best parking is determined by shade.....not distance.
You realize that "Valley Fever" isn't a disco dance.
You can make sun tea instantly.
Hotter water comes from the cold water tap than the hot one.
It's noon in July, kids are on summer vacation and yet all the streets are totally empty of both cars and people.
You actually burn your hand opening the car door.
Sunscreen is sold year round and kept right at the checkout counter.
You put on fresh sunscreen just to go check the mail box.
Some fools will market mini-misters for joggers and some other fools will actually buy them. Worse.....some fools actually try to jog.
You can pronounce Saguaro, Tempe, San Xavier, Canyon de Chelly, Mogollon Rim, Cholla, Gila and Tucson.
You can understand the reason for a town named "Why"
You can fry an egg on the hood of a car in the morning.
You know hot air balloons can't rise because the air temperature is hotter than the air inside the balloon.
You see two trees fighting over a dog.
You can say "Hohokam" and people don't think you're laughing funny.
You see more irrigation water on the street than there is in the Salt River
You have to go to a fake beach for some fake waves
You hear people say "but it's a dry heat!"
You buy salsa by the gallon.
Your Christmas decorations include sand and l00 paper bags.
You think a red light is merely a suggestion.
All of your out-of-state friends start to visit after October but clear out come the end of April.
You think someone driving wearing oven mitts is clever.
Most of the restaurants in town have the first name "El" or "Los."
You think 60 tons of crushed red rock makes a beautiful yard.
Your house is made of stucco and has a red clay tile roof.
Vehicles with open windows have the right-of-way in the summer.
Most homes have more firearms than people.
Kids ask, "What's a mosquito?"
People who have black cars or black upholstery in their car are automatically assumed to be from out of-state or nuts.
You know better than to get into a car with leather seats if you're wearing shorts.
You can finish a Big Gulp in 10 minutes and go back for seconds.
You take rain dances seriously.
When a rainy day puts you in a good mood.
When you drive two miles around a parking lot looking for a shady place - even in the dead of winter.
You feed your chickens ice cubes to keep them from laying hard-boiled eggs.
You "hug" a cactus only once in your lifetime.
When you have to look up "mass transit" in the dictionary.
A hundred ten in the shade is sorta hot, but you don't have to shovel it off your driveway.
A haboob happens.
Petrified doesn't mean scared.
The temperature drops below 95, you feel a bit chilly.
You've lived in AZ your whole life and have never been to the Grand Canyon
You would give anything to be able to splash cold water on your face.
You can attend any function wearing shorts and a tank top.
You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.
you realize that snowbirds aren't really birds at all, but just really bad out of state drivers that you learn to hate
there are only two temperatures, hot and hotter
even thinking about not having air conditioning makes you sweat
you travel out of state and any sort of humidity nearly kills you
*you have no idea why 48 other states (Hawaii doesn't do it either) insist on changing their clocks twice a year for this thing called "daylight savings time"
(For the record ~ I do not know of this Christmas Tree Shoppe phenomenon. I think this is something that started after I moved away, and I'm ok with that. And I do not know what a "haboob" is, and I have never hugged a cactus. Thank you, that is all.)
2 comments:
Hope you're feeling better!
I had to chuckle at this one:
12. You're amazed when traveling out of town that people at McDonalds actually speak English
even though I felt like a horrible person afterwards.
if it makes you feel better, when i read that one i thought to myself, "where is there a McDonalds where they speak English?" Nowhere I've ever been. I'm more horrible than you I guess!
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