Saturday, February 21, 2009\lizthoughts pt.2

There is a new bar in Tempe called "Sign of the Whale." It is not cool. Don't go there, it's lame. Sorry to the bartender, whose name I have forgotten already. You were cool, but that place just sucks.

If I was a cop, I would park my cruiser near the exit of a Jack in the Box drive through at around 2:20am on the weekend, and I would conduct field sobriety tests to everyone leaving.

I think Joss Whedon is a genius that walks among us. His TV shows are amazing, and he is amazing. I can not stress this enough. Trust me.

my dishwasher is not working right and it flooded my kitchen tonight, and I am unhappy about it. Goes to show that trying to clean up my place is a deed that will not go unpunished.

I hate jury duty. I've been chosen. I have to sit through 3 days of unbelievable boredom next week. I am trying to consider the fact that someone's fate rests in my hands. And then I just feel scared that I am going to be the only person on the jury who isn't a total fucktard. Then what will happen? Ugh.

My computer is not behaving correctly right now. I am afraid of what this blog post is going to look like, format wise. 

Due to things like multuple jury duty summons, airport security thinking I am a terrorist every time I pass through, and things of that nature, I can't help but wonder why the US Government hates me.

I hate "photo enforcement zones."

I've had a lot of beer tonight and I probably should look into crashing out now. But I probably won't do that.

Curly fries are much better than normal fries. but every time I get curly fries, I am reminded of the old Beavis and Butthead episode where they were making the "special seasoned curly fries" at the fast food place that gave everyone e. coli poisioning. I am pretty sure it was e. coli... not 100% sure though. But it was gross. Watch the episode if you don't know what I mean.

I think I may have fixed the format situation. If not, sorry for all the excessive scrolling to and fro that you are doing right now in order to read this.

This was by far the best thing all week.  I can keep watching this and I just laugh and laugh.

By the way, don't watch that at work with the sound on or with your children around. Sorry if it's too late, but if you know me at all you should have known better! haha!

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Cut the dude some slack, man!

I felt a need to comment about this whole 'Michael Phelps smoked pot' scandal that's going on, so here goes.

I think everyone should leave him alone.  I highly doubt he smokes pot on a regular basis.  It really should not have anything to do with his athletic career.  If he was on steroids or other performance enhancing drug, that would be a big deal.  But if you have ever met a pothead in your life, you know that marijuana is NOT a performance enhancing drug.  It slows reaction time, and common side effects include taking lots of naps, laying on couches and watching tv, and ordering pizzas.  This drug does not give him any kind of advantage in his sport.  If anyone should be pissed off at him, it is his coach.

Actually, given the nature of the drug, I say that if an athlete is successful and smokes marijuana, they should get extra points.  I mean, that's impressive.  Again, I really doubt that Phelps makes a habit of such behaviors.  I have a feeling that the best swimmer on earth probably takes better care of his lungs than that.  So leave the guy alone.  Let him be a 23 year old.

There is an argument to be made that children all over the world look up to him as a role model, and that he therefore has a responsibility to behave like a role model and not set a bad example. That there are kids who feel disappointed in their hero for screwing up and doing something bad.  Well.  OK.  This is somewhat valid, but Welcome to Life.  People are going to disappoint you.  You shouldn't idolize anyone, it will always lead to disappointment.  You have to learn some time...  Even though Michael Phelps seems somewhat super-human when you watch him swim, he is human.  It's not fair to expect him to live a perfect life and never to screw up.  It's not fair to expect that from anyone.

Imagine if your life was constantly being put on display in newspapers and magazines, and on tv and the internet.  How would the world see you?

Saturday, January 31, 2009

And now to lighten the mood...

I realize the that last post was a total bummer.  Sorry about that, but sometimes you just have to let it out, am I right?  

Well, I don't want everyone to be all depressed or think I hate my home.  I don't hate either of my homes, and even though I miss people and places, I am doing well.  And I suppose I should just come to terms with the fact that I am a Masshole-Zony Hybrid now, so I should just embrace the dichotomy, right?  Oh yeah, by the way:

Word of the Day:

Dichotomy:  [die-kot-a-mee] n. Division into two usually contradictory parts or opinions.  By the way, there is a good chance that I'm not exacly using that word correctly in the sentence above.  But I try.

OK, enough of my yammering and tangents.  I now present two totally unoriginal things that I have stolen off of the internet, for your amusement and mine.  You may have seen these before, but if you are from AZ or MA, give them a read again, because I know they've made me chuckle more than once.  Enjoy, and yes both halves are represented!


1. You've pulled out of a side street and used your car to block oncoming traffic so you can make a left 

2. Stop signs mean slow down a little, but only of you want to 

3. You know how to cross four lanes of traffic in five seconds 

4. You believe using your turn signals gives away your plan to the enemy 

5. You think it's not actually tailgating unless you're touching the bumper of the car in front of you 

6. You know that a yellow light means that at least five more people can get through and a red one means two more can 

7. The transportation system is known as the "T" 

8. You could own a small town in Iowa for the cost of your house 

9. You almost feel dissapointed when someone doesnt flip you off when you cut them off or steal their parking space 

10. There are 24 Dunkin Donuts shops within 15 minutes of your house 

11. When people talk about "The Curse Of The Bambino" you just say remember that time the Red Sox made history by coming back from 3 games down against the Yankees and went on to win the world series???

12. You're amazed when traveling out of town that people at McDonalds actually speak english 

13. If you stay on the same road long enough it eventually has three different names 

14. Someone has honked at you because you didnt peel out the second the light turned green 

15. You have honked at someone because they didn't peel out the second the light turned green 

16. All the potholes just add to the excitement of driving 

17. You think if someones nice to you they either want something or they are from out of town and lost

18. Six inches of snow is considered a dusting 

19. Three days of 90 degree heat is definately a "heat wave" 63 degrees is "on the warm side" 

20. You cringe everytime you hear some actor/actress imitate the "Boston Accent" on TV or in a movie, if you don't have it then you're never going to get it even if you were born here 

21. At the ice cream shop you call chocolate sprinkles "jimmies" 

22. You can go from one side of town to the other in less than fifteen minutes and see at least fifteen losers you went to high school with doing the same thing they were doing when you saw them last 

23. It is raining and/or snowing, the person in front of you is going 70, and you're still cursing them for going too slow

24. You know how to pronounce towns like Worcester, Haverhill, and Cotuit 

25. You know what they sell at a "packie" 

26.You've called something "wicked pissa"

27. You've slammed on your brakes to deter a tailgator 

28. You still try to order curly fries from Burger King 

29. You keep an ice scraper in your car all year round 

30. You know at least three Tony's one Vinnie, and a Frank 

31. Paranoia sets in when you can't see an ATM or CVS 

32. You think crosswalks are for wimps 

33. You've bragged about saving money at The Christmas Tree Shop 

34. You know what "regular coffee" is, and you order iced coffee in January

35. You can navigate a rotary without a problem 

36. You have been to Fenway Park 

37. You refer to the New York Yankees as the Evil Empire

38. You feel the rest of the world needs to drive more like you 

39. When someone calls you a "masshole" you take it as a compliment 

40. You use the words "wicked" and "good" in the same sentence 

41. You know what a frappe is 

42. Saint Patrticks Day is your second favorite holiday 

43. You are proud to drink Sam Adams and think that the rest of the country owes Bostonians a thank you 

44. You never say "Cape Cod" you say "the cape" 

45. You went to Old Sturbridge Village and Plymouth Plantation in elementary school 

46. You can drive to the mountains and the ocean all in one day 

47. You have a special place in your heart for the Worcester Firefighters 

48. You know the Mass Pike and 128 are some strange weather dividing lines 

49. You do not recognize the letter "R" as a part of the English language. 

50. You've gone from I-95 South to I-93 North by driving in a straight line and never changing direction. 

51. You understand everything just said and passed it on to other massholes 

52. You know you're from Mass when you give directions that cite land marks that USED to be there...

You bang a left at the lights, and then you drive just past where the old farm was... the one that used to have the giant catepillar in front... and then you take a wicked sharp right to where the movie theater used to be...

* * * *


You notice your car overheating before you drive it.

You no longer associate bridges or rivers with water.

You can hear the weather forecast of 115 degrees without flinching.

You can be in the snow, then drive for an hour...and it will be over 100 degrees.

You discover, in July it only takes two fingers to drive your car, because your steering wheel is so hot.

You run your air conditioner in the middle of winter so you can use your fireplace.

The best parking is determined by shade.....not distance.

You realize that "Valley Fever" isn't a disco dance.

You can make sun tea instantly.

Hotter water comes from the cold water tap than the hot one.

It's noon in July, kids are on summer vacation and yet all the streets are totally empty of both cars and people.

You actually burn your hand opening the car door.

Sunscreen is sold year round and kept right at the checkout counter.

You put on fresh sunscreen just to go check the mail box.

Some fools will market mini-misters for joggers and some other fools will actually buy them. Worse.....some fools actually try to jog.

You can pronounce Saguaro, Tempe, San Xavier, Canyon de Chelly, Mogollon Rim, Cholla, Gila and Tucson.

You can understand the reason for a town named "Why"

You can fry an egg on the hood of a car in the morning.

You know hot air balloons can't rise because the air temperature is hotter than the air inside the balloon.

You see two trees fighting over a dog.

You can say "Hohokam" and people don't think you're laughing funny.

You see more irrigation water on the street than there is in the Salt River

You have to go to a fake beach for some fake waves

You hear people say "but it's a dry heat!"

You buy salsa by the gallon.

Your Christmas decorations include sand and l00 paper bags.

You think a red light is merely a suggestion.

All of your out-of-state friends start to visit after October but clear out come the end of April.

You think someone driving wearing oven mitts is clever.

Most of the restaurants in town have the first name "El" or "Los."

You think 60 tons of crushed red rock makes a beautiful yard.

Your house is made of stucco and has a red clay tile roof.

Vehicles with open windows have the right-of-way in the summer.

Most homes have more firearms than people.

Kids ask, "What's a mosquito?"

People who have black cars or black upholstery in their car are automatically assumed to be from out of-state or nuts.

You know better than to get into a car with leather seats if you're wearing shorts.

You can finish a Big Gulp in 10 minutes and go back for seconds.

You take rain dances seriously. 

When a rainy day puts you in a good mood. 

When you drive two miles around a parking lot looking for a shady place - even in the dead of winter. 

You feed your chickens ice cubes to keep them from laying hard-boiled eggs. 

You "hug" a cactus only once in your lifetime. 

When you have to look up "mass transit" in the dictionary.

A hundred ten in the shade is sorta hot, but you don't have to shovel it off your driveway. 

A haboob happens.

Petrified doesn't mean scared.

The temperature drops below 95, you feel a bit chilly.

You've lived in AZ your whole life and have never been to the Grand Canyon 

You would give anything to be able to splash cold water on your face.

You can attend any function wearing shorts and a tank top.

You realize that asphalt has a liquid state. 

you realize that snowbirds aren't really birds at all, but just really bad out of state drivers that you learn to hate

there are only two temperatures, hot and hotter

even thinking about not having air conditioning makes you sweat

you travel out of state and any sort of humidity nearly kills you

*you have no idea why 48 other states (Hawaii doesn't do it either) insist on changing their clocks twice a year for this thing called "daylight savings time"

(For the record ~ I do not know of this Christmas Tree Shoppe phenomenon.  I think this is something that started after I moved away, and I'm ok with that.  And I do not know what a "haboob" is, and I have never hugged a cactus.  Thank you, that is all.)

Friday, January 30, 2009

I am, I said

I'm not sure what triggered it.  It seems like I would be free of this by now, after over 13 years (13 years?  Yikes!).  But for some reason, today, I feel homesick.  I know that if I were to get on a plane and go home to Massachusetts right now, I would probably want to leave within less than 24 hours.  After a couple of days there, I get homesick all over again... for Arizona.

Nonetheless, I have had this vague gloomy feeling all day today.  It's OK, I will recover.  I always do.  But it made me start to think about my current life and location.  I do really like Arizona.  At this time of year, it's hard not to like it.  It was 78 degrees today.  It is January.  Right now it is 20 degrees back in Sudbury.  If I were there, I would be wearing lots of layers and would probably have a blanket on, and I would still be cold, in a house that has the heat "turned up."  Here, I drive in my car, in January, with the windows open, looking at palm trees and cacti, I see flowers everywhere, and even the mountains that surround me.  The mountains used to irritate me when I moved here, but I actually think they are quite pretty now.

I almost feel like I belong here.  But not exactly.  Various things will just never feel right about this place.  One of these things is the fact that everyone seems to eat mexican food all the time.  I have nothing against mexican food.  But do we always need to eat mexican food?  Does anyone really need mexican food EVERY DAY?  I certainly don't.  Another thing is the smell of the rain.  True, it does not rain often.  But when it does, there is a very distinct Arizona smell afterwards.  Like dirt.  It's not pleasant.  Back home, there is a distinct smell after it rains too.  I suppose we're smelling wet eart in both places.  I guess I just prefer the smell of New England dirt?  I'm not sure, but I hate the rainy smell here, and I always remember that this is not home when I smell it.

About a month ago, I saw a squirrel.  This was really exciting!  It was on the ASU campus.  I have NEVER seen a squirrel in this city, in 13 years.  Not one.  I'm sure this squirrel got lost somehow.  Maybe it rode into town on a truck filled with christmas trees and got stuck here?  Not sure.  It made me so happy to see it.  But then I thought about 13 years with no squirrels.  Or any other random wild animals running around outside.  No raccoons, opossums, deer, foxes, groundhogs...  Well, I guess there are the little bunnies.  And occasional ducks, and very rarely coyotes.  But it's not the same...  not the same...  I do miss the animals.

This feeling like I don't really belong in either place, and my homesickness, made me think of Neil Diamond.  I just lost you, didn't I?  Haha.  Well, one if my favorite songs by the great Mr. Diamond is "I am I Said."  I think he was sitting somewhere having the same weird mood as I am now when he wrote that song.  It's about a restlessness that doesn't make sense.  A sadness he doesn't understand, and the lonely feeling it brings, because, as they say, "You Can Never Go Home."

Well I'm New York City born and raised,
But nowadays I'm lost between two shores.
L.A.'s fine, but it ain't home.  
New York's home, but it ain't mine no more...

Of course my locations are different, but it's the same general idea.  I'm listening to this song right now, since I was thinking about it and thought, I should hear this NOW!  Ahh yes, I do love me some Neil Diamond.  And I absolutely love my ipod!  I got an ipod for christmas and it's fabulous.  And it might just be the thing to fix this momentary funk I've been in today.  It makes me happy.  So does listening to Neil Diamond, since I'm clearly in a Neil Diamond mood.  Besides, if you can't be cheered up by Sweet Caroline, then you aren't totally human.

See, I feel better already! :)

Friday, December 12, 2008

Not dead yet...

Just lazy and sorry for not updating for a long time.  I've been tempted to go on some rants from time to time lately, but I tried not to bore and annoy everyone with my political tyrades.  Now that I have calmed down from my election induced frenzy, I will say Yay Obama!  And Boo hiss to anyone who voted for constitutional amendments that restrict fellow Americans' equal rights.  I will leave it at that, for now.  Warning: more rants may follow...

I don't really have any exciting news or amazing stories to tell.  At least nothing I can think of right now at this late hour (I really need to learn how to go to bed at a normal time).  But my "fanbase" actually complained that I haven't written for a while so I thought I should make an appearance in the blogosphere. 

Recently I have been pondering something, and maybe someone who reads this can tell me.  Please?  Why do toilets in public places have seats with a gap in the front?  They are sort of an oval U shape.  (Why am I describing this?  I'm pretty sure you all know what I am talking about.)  But no one ever has a toilet seat like that in their bathroom at home.  Regular house toilet seats go all the way around.  There must be an explanation for this.  Curious.  No?  Are the U shaped toilet seats cheaper?  Then why don't we all get the cheaper ones?  I can't think of any functional difference, can you?  Please share any wisdom you have on this topic.  You'd be suprised and pretty disappointed in me if you knew how much time I have spent thinking about this...

Now I really have to go to bed though.  But I leave you with this, the Word of The Day (I'm bringing the word of the day out of retirement, yay!):

Strew   Yes.  Strew.  We all have heard this word in some form.  "You could tell it was finals week by the number of papers and books strewn across every surface of her living room."  Strewn, as in scattered, spread, dispursed.  But have you ever heard or used the word in any other tense?  To Strew.  Strews.  Strewing.  Strewing does not sound like a word, but I recently learned it is.  Strewing!  Haha!  I'm not sure why this was as funny to me as it was, but there you are.

Monday, September 15, 2008

Blunt force trauma to the head sucks. Who knew?

So I have been out and about a lot lately... there has been a lot of debauchery and beer, and general madness the past couple weeks.  I have been out of my cave a lot.  I am tired and my liver might fall out soon.

Most recently, I went to Sacramento this past weekend to go to a party.  That's right.  I flew to another city just to go to a party.  Cuz that's how I roll.  (hahahahaha...)  

We all know that I tend to hurt myself when I am drinking.  Minor injuries abound in my life.  I run into things, fall down a lot, twist joints the wrong way.  Cuts, scrapes, bruises, burns, and mysterious aches are very common. 

After 9 days during which I was drinking heavily 5 times, I have several bruises, a slightly messed up knee and wrist, and some blisters.  These are mostly just from walking.  Yep.  I am so retarded I can't even walk without hurting myself.  The wrist thing?  I have no idea what I did to my wrist...

But the worst battle wound of all came from CLEANING.  Sober.  Just picking up a cup or something off the floor, I stood up and smashed my head on the cabinet door that was above me.  See, in Sacramento, the cabinets are all sneeky and they move around opening all over the place and positioning themselves right above you.  So careful if you go there.  

And be careful if you're cleaning too.  Because that's what I was doing and, man, was that ever a mistake.  You don't realize what a threat to your safety these menial tasks can be until it's too late.  I'm just trying to help.  Cleaning is dangerous.

Seems that when you cut your scalp, it bleeds like crazy.  So I was sure I was in some deep shit for a few minutes there.  Lots of blood.  But it finally stopped bleeding and is just a very painful lump.  It's not cool.  I do realize any smart person would have gone to a doctor to get this checked, but nah...  I probably don't have brain damage.  And if I do, what are the chances I would damage part of the 10% that I use?  I'm pretty sure the odds are only 1 in 10.  Or something like that.  So why worry about it?  I was relieved this morning when I woke up.  It's a good feeling to not die in your sleep.  

Thursday, August 21, 2008


Holy Shit. I decided to google it after writing my last post. The current world record holder for the longest fingernails is this woman, and I don't remember anything like this when I was a kid... The picture in my memory is a faded looking back and white photo of a man with nails maybe half this long, and they were all curly, wavy, like kinda cork-screwy. This is insane.

My comments and questions about the Office Max lady still stand, but they are multiplied by like a thousand for this lady. I mean, this is... How? How can you live with nails like that? Can she eat? She can't hold silverware. Can she wash her hair? There's no way! WTF?

And I add one thought: How does she pee? If she can even unzip her fly... well then what? Drip dry? That would bring a new meaning to 'personal' injury. Ha ha ha... I'm so clever... :)