I am, I said

I'm not sure what triggered it.  It seems like I would be free of this by now, after over 13 years (13 years?  Yikes!).  But for some reason, today, I feel homesick.  I know that if I were to get on a plane and go home to Massachusetts right now, I would probably want to leave within less than 24 hours.  After a couple of days there, I get homesick all over again... for Arizona.

Nonetheless, I have had this vague gloomy feeling all day today.  It's OK, I will recover.  I always do.  But it made me start to think about my current life and location.  I do really like Arizona.  At this time of year, it's hard not to like it.  It was 78 degrees today.  It is January.  Right now it is 20 degrees back in Sudbury.  If I were there, I would be wearing lots of layers and would probably have a blanket on, and I would still be cold, in a house that has the heat "turned up."  Here, I drive in my car, in January, with the windows open, looking at palm trees and cacti, I see flowers everywhere, and even the mountains that surround me.  The mountains used to irritate me when I moved here, but I actually think they are quite pretty now.

I almost feel like I belong here.  But not exactly.  Various things will just never feel right about this place.  One of these things is the fact that everyone seems to eat mexican food all the time.  I have nothing against mexican food.  But do we always need to eat mexican food?  Does anyone really need mexican food EVERY DAY?  I certainly don't.  Another thing is the smell of the rain.  True, it does not rain often.  But when it does, there is a very distinct Arizona smell afterwards.  Like dirt.  It's not pleasant.  Back home, there is a distinct smell after it rains too.  I suppose we're smelling wet eart in both places.  I guess I just prefer the smell of New England dirt?  I'm not sure, but I hate the rainy smell here, and I always remember that this is not home when I smell it.

About a month ago, I saw a squirrel.  This was really exciting!  It was on the ASU campus.  I have NEVER seen a squirrel in this city, in 13 years.  Not one.  I'm sure this squirrel got lost somehow.  Maybe it rode into town on a truck filled with christmas trees and got stuck here?  Not sure.  It made me so happy to see it.  But then I thought about 13 years with no squirrels.  Or any other random wild animals running around outside.  No raccoons, opossums, deer, foxes, groundhogs...  Well, I guess there are the little bunnies.  And occasional ducks, and very rarely coyotes.  But it's not the same...  not the same...  I do miss the animals.

This feeling like I don't really belong in either place, and my homesickness, made me think of Neil Diamond.  I just lost you, didn't I?  Haha.  Well, one if my favorite songs by the great Mr. Diamond is "I am I Said."  I think he was sitting somewhere having the same weird mood as I am now when he wrote that song.  It's about a restlessness that doesn't make sense.  A sadness he doesn't understand, and the lonely feeling it brings, because, as they say, "You Can Never Go Home."

Well I'm New York City born and raised,

But nowadays I'm lost between two shores.

L.A.'s fine, but it ain't home.  

New York's home, but it ain't mine no more...

Of course my locations are different, but it's the same general idea.  I'm listening to this song right now, since I was thinking about it and thought, I should hear this NOW!  Ahh yes, I do love me some Neil Diamond.  And I absolutely love my ipod!  I got an ipod for christmas and it's fabulous.  And it might just be the thing to fix this momentary funk I've been in today.  It makes me happy.  So does listening to Neil Diamond, since I'm clearly in a Neil Diamond mood.  Besides, if you can't be cheered up by Sweet Caroline, then you aren't totally human.

See, I feel better already! :)