I had a beautiful weekend. I accomplished the bare minimum that could be expected of me on a weekend, without feeling like it was a complete waste of time.
On friday night, I went to a bar for a night of way too much beer. This excess of beer seemed justified because it was a party in honor of two people's birthdays, one person's job promotion, and one guy's going away party. The guy who is moving away (back home to the UK) is really a super cool guy, and he will be missed a lot. So in honor of all these things, a lot of people came out for a night of way too much beer. It was fun. I kind of feel like an ass though, but that's usually how i feel when i drink too much. I don't think i did any real damage. And I had enough sense about me to walk home, which is good because I could have gone to jail or wrapped my beautiful Volvo around a telephone pole otherwise. We wouldn't want either of those things to happen.
Saturday, I had to walk all the way back to the bar to get my car back. It was sunny and hot. The world was loud and bright and harsh, and I was hungover and wanting to be back inside in the dark cool quiet. But I need my coffee. I got the car and finally went for my coffee and then everything was good again. I chatted with a couple friends at the coffee place for a bit, then I went home and returned to my dark lair of quiet for more lazing... and a nap.
Sunday was similar. I lounged about for most of the day. I took an afternoon nap. I did do some laundry, which was painful and distressing for me. But now my jeans don't smell all funky and I have clean shirts. Which is nice. I also went to a barbecue and hung out with some friends. It was nice out, and I had corn on the cob and beer. It was a good time.
This is exactly what I like a weekend to be. Lets say about 25% of the time having fun, 70% of the time doing nothing at all, and 5% being productive. That's a really good ratio. And also, I am always proud of myself when I take a nap in the middle of the day, even when I got more than enough sleep the night before. And I accomplished this two days in a row. Good job, Liz!
On an unrelated note, I have a DVR (two of them actually). Nearly everything I watch is recorded. So I almost never watch TV commercials. I can just fast forward through that shit. That's a great thing. But every now and then, I find myself watching normal TV. Right now, I am watching regular TV. I feel a small pain inside every time a commercial comes on and I can't fast forward. But on the bright side, there are occasionally some really good commercials! For example, the one for MasterCard that goes something like "going out for dinner: $50. Staying for dessert: $10, ordering coffee: $12" (I am really paraphrasing here, and I'm making these numbers up...) "Giving your kitchen the night off: priceless." Meanwhile you are watching all the kitchen appliances gettin' down and partying while the people are out of the house. This is an awesome advertisement. This is just SO CUTE. The knives are watching a horror movie! The salt and pepper shakers seem like they are on a date. Other utensils are playing in the sink and just dancing around. It's just so adorable. I love it. I'm not even going to get a MasterCard because of this ad, but I would like to thank MasterCard for entertaining me for 30 seconds. Well done. I just saw that a few minutes ago while I was writing this, and I wanted to share my appreciation for it.
Yeah, I know... You don't have to tell me... I realize I am a huge dork... ;)
Monday, March 31, 2008
Sunday, March 23, 2008
The dogs aren't dead.
Just so no one is all upset with me, the dogs downstairs are NOT dead. I heard them earlier. They haven't been going crazy or anything (thank goodness). But they were barking a little earlier today.
Although I wanted to murder them, I would never really hurt them. Good. I'm glad we cleared that up. It has been pointed out to me in the past couple days that most people do not find dead animals funny. My only argument about this is that there are some circumstances where they are. For example, the other day someone posted something hilarious on craigslist in the FREE stuff. It was a stuffed squirrel holding what they claimed was an 8 year old severed finger. I mean a finger that had been gnawed off of its person 8 years ago, not a finger that was cut off of an 8 year old. I really have my doubts about the authenticity of this "finger." But regardless of this, it was FUCKING HILARIOUS.
To all of you that said things to me like, "Ew, it's a dead squirrel," or "severed fingers aren't funny," or "dead bunnies aren't funny," (that was an unrelated event, and no, there was no actual dead bunny) I just want to say that in the right context, HELL YEAH THEY ARE! Where is your sense of humor? Who's with me? I know I'm not alone here. It's just like dead baby jokes. A real dead baby isn't funny. But dead baby jokes are another story. Wow, I'm way off topic, huh?
Back to my original point, I tentatively would like to say thank you to my neighbor (whom I have never met) for doing whatever you did to stop this awful concert of barking. Especially because I didn't ever have to actually speak to you or confront you in any way. But of course it has only been about a week. So I reserve the right to retract this 'thank you' if they start their yapping again.
I've been having a really nice day today. I haven't left the house once. I've been chillin' at home in peace and quiet the whole day. I have said it before, and I will say it a million more times. Days off kick ass. I really wish I could have more of them. Like 100 days off. Wow. Or infinity days off. Yes. Why not dream big? Infinity days off. Indeed.
Today I haven't accomplished anything at all. Not one thing. I watched a lot of Jeopardy! in an effort to clear up some memory in my DVR. I guess that counts as being productive. I also have been watching some CSI NY that i got from netflix. Man do I love this show. I love crime dramas, especially CSI and CSI NY. They really achieved a winning combination of creepy gory corpses, mystery and intrigue, science geeky stuff, and cute boys. Lots of cute boys. Especially them. But also him and him. And several others. And CSI NY has Gary Sinise too. I don't think he's cute, but you gotta give it up for Lieutenant Dan.
That's right. I just now figured out how to add links into my writing. That's exciting for me, because I am pretty e-tarted. It was about 100,000 times easier than I imagined it would be.
Although I wanted to murder them, I would never really hurt them. Good. I'm glad we cleared that up. It has been pointed out to me in the past couple days that most people do not find dead animals funny. My only argument about this is that there are some circumstances where they are. For example, the other day someone posted something hilarious on craigslist in the FREE stuff. It was a stuffed squirrel holding what they claimed was an 8 year old severed finger. I mean a finger that had been gnawed off of its person 8 years ago, not a finger that was cut off of an 8 year old. I really have my doubts about the authenticity of this "finger." But regardless of this, it was FUCKING HILARIOUS.
To all of you that said things to me like, "Ew, it's a dead squirrel," or "severed fingers aren't funny," or "dead bunnies aren't funny," (that was an unrelated event, and no, there was no actual dead bunny) I just want to say that in the right context, HELL YEAH THEY ARE! Where is your sense of humor? Who's with me? I know I'm not alone here. It's just like dead baby jokes. A real dead baby isn't funny. But dead baby jokes are another story. Wow, I'm way off topic, huh?
Back to my original point, I tentatively would like to say thank you to my neighbor (whom I have never met) for doing whatever you did to stop this awful concert of barking. Especially because I didn't ever have to actually speak to you or confront you in any way. But of course it has only been about a week. So I reserve the right to retract this 'thank you' if they start their yapping again.
I've been having a really nice day today. I haven't left the house once. I've been chillin' at home in peace and quiet the whole day. I have said it before, and I will say it a million more times. Days off kick ass. I really wish I could have more of them. Like 100 days off. Wow. Or infinity days off. Yes. Why not dream big? Infinity days off. Indeed.
Today I haven't accomplished anything at all. Not one thing. I watched a lot of Jeopardy! in an effort to clear up some memory in my DVR. I guess that counts as being productive. I also have been watching some CSI NY that i got from netflix. Man do I love this show. I love crime dramas, especially CSI and CSI NY. They really achieved a winning combination of creepy gory corpses, mystery and intrigue, science geeky stuff, and cute boys. Lots of cute boys. Especially them. But also him and him. And several others. And CSI NY has Gary Sinise too. I don't think he's cute, but you gotta give it up for Lieutenant Dan.
That's right. I just now figured out how to add links into my writing. That's exciting for me, because I am pretty e-tarted. It was about 100,000 times easier than I imagined it would be.
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Let's Go To a Whorehouse!
Well, now there is this pressure for me to write things on a regular basis. Which is kind of hard right now. All that's been going on this week is dogs barking (still being mercifully quiet, thank goodness) and working. I could complain about work, but I don't have the energy for that. Also, sometimes ridiculous things happen at work and I can write about these things and amuse people. But lately, no. It's just been a drag. And I don't want to bore my fan base. It's a pretty limited fan base, so it wouldn't do to alienate them.
So now you are wondering, "What whores? She said something about whores and this is a lot lamer than I was led to believe it would be... stupid Liz isn't even talking about whores."
Well, keep your pants on. Or not. You know, whatever. Pants are optional here.
So a very smart friend of mine suggested that I start this blog out with the whore story, but I didn't think that was a good idea. That's a lot to live up to. But it's been a few days. I think I've eased into the whore story. Somehow you didn't lose interest yet, even after boring stories about dogs barking. So you earned your hookers!
A couple weeks ago, I went to the Tempe Beer Festival. This was a fun event near the "Lake" in downtown tempe. Specifically it was at the "Beach Park." I must use quotes because it is a pretty poor excuse for a lake. And there is no way to even pretend that there is a beach there. There is a grassy area. That's the most beachy part. I've been to beaches that had grass before. But usually there is also a beach at the beach. But this "beach park" doesn't have a beach. It's just dumb. But anyway, this was an afternoon of drinking lots of different kinds of beer out of tiny beermugs, and getting sunburned. But somehow, in spite of the tiny beers it was still really fun and i got kinda drunk. But then afterwards, we went to a bar where they had regular sized beers. And I had some of those too... then another bar for dinner and a really big beer... then to someone's apartment for some more beers... you get the point. The beerfest really acted more like a catalyst that drove me to drink a LOT of beer at other places besides the beerfest. By late that night (I have no concept of actual time by then. The tiny beers started at 2:30pm. The regular beers started around 6pm. "Late" may have been 11pm? I dunno) I was pretty much hammered. Then we went BACK out into the world for more BEER!
Here is where things stopped being as amazing. I was taken to a place I've never been to before. It's called the Cherry Lounge. It was terrible. It was a club. It felt a bit like a whorehouse to me. (Finally the whores!) Let me describe it. There are large pictures on the walls of basically naked women. Not exactly naked. But close. Wearing as little clothing as possible without being naked. There were also stripper poles all over the place. These were scattered throughout for all the ladies to use. So if you feel you are in the mood to do some pole dancing on top of a table that is lit from below, this is your place! But then the best part was the CAGES. There were big cages with anorexic girls dancing, also basically naked. Dancing like whores in cages. With their pole dancing companions around. AWESOME. Oh yeah, and the lights were all red, so it really brought back memories of window shopping for whores in Amsterdam. Well, needless to say, I had to keep drinking a lot in order to cope with this place. So I basically drowned myself. I am very appreciative of my friend Carol because she helped me get home after 12 hours of drinking. Silly me! Trying to take a cab with only $3 in my wallet...
If you are ever thinking to yourself, "I want to go out and drink! And Liz is coming too! Where should we go?" 99% of the time, a club is not the right answer. 100% of the time, a club with bad music and pole dancers and whores in cages is not the right answer. I don't like whorehouses. At least not dark crowded ones with really loud terrible music. I think this was one of the levels of hell. Did anyone read Inferno? Was he ever at a nightclub? Well, enough beer and liquor and even I can have a little fun at club-whore-hell. But in retrospect, I could have just said BYE! and gone to the irish pub next door. But I was too far gone to think clearly enough for that. It seems so obvious now, but I didn't even think of that option at the time.
I feel a little bad about making people think this would be about prostitutes, and fooling you into reading that dumb story. So I will go off on a tangent and mention the prostitute that was in front of me in line at Walmart once. I can't actually prove she was a hooker. But let me assure you, she was a hooker. There were shiny silver and black spandex pants. There was a silver and white fur coar that seemed to be made out of a dead tiger. If tigers were silver. And huge blond hair with a whole can of hairspray. And Boots. HOOKER BOOTS. I waited in the line behind her for a few minutes, amazed that there was an actual hooker in front of me. I don't really see a lot of prostitutes up close like that. Then she turned around. OH SNAP! She was about 8 or 9 months pregnant. And the makeup confirmed it. Definitely a pregnant hooker. Oh yeah. I mean, it's slightly possible it was someone dressed up as a pregnant hooker for Halloween, but she didn't realize she had been sleeping for 6 months and that it wasn't October anymore.... There have been a few other alleged "hookers" that i've encountered at the local Walmart before too. But this was by FAR the most hookery hooker i've seen ever (not counting the ones in various red light districts or working a corner down on Van Buren. Those are obvious hookers. They don't count). The fact that she was pregnant made it a million times more fantastic. I bet there aren't many pregnant hookers down on Van Buren. And I'm sure there is a market for that too. There are a lot of weird people out there...
I just remembered something. If you ever do want to bring me out to a whorehouse, then we can go to House of Tricks. That's a nice whorehouse. They took a whorehouse and turned it into a classy restaurant/bar. They serve a delicious appetizer plate of breads, fruit, and cheeses. Lots of different kinds of cheese. And the music isn't loud. Now that's my kind of brothel.
So now you are wondering, "What whores? She said something about whores and this is a lot lamer than I was led to believe it would be... stupid Liz isn't even talking about whores."
Well, keep your pants on. Or not. You know, whatever. Pants are optional here.
So a very smart friend of mine suggested that I start this blog out with the whore story, but I didn't think that was a good idea. That's a lot to live up to. But it's been a few days. I think I've eased into the whore story. Somehow you didn't lose interest yet, even after boring stories about dogs barking. So you earned your hookers!
A couple weeks ago, I went to the Tempe Beer Festival. This was a fun event near the "Lake" in downtown tempe. Specifically it was at the "Beach Park." I must use quotes because it is a pretty poor excuse for a lake. And there is no way to even pretend that there is a beach there. There is a grassy area. That's the most beachy part. I've been to beaches that had grass before. But usually there is also a beach at the beach. But this "beach park" doesn't have a beach. It's just dumb. But anyway, this was an afternoon of drinking lots of different kinds of beer out of tiny beermugs, and getting sunburned. But somehow, in spite of the tiny beers it was still really fun and i got kinda drunk. But then afterwards, we went to a bar where they had regular sized beers. And I had some of those too... then another bar for dinner and a really big beer... then to someone's apartment for some more beers... you get the point. The beerfest really acted more like a catalyst that drove me to drink a LOT of beer at other places besides the beerfest. By late that night (I have no concept of actual time by then. The tiny beers started at 2:30pm. The regular beers started around 6pm. "Late" may have been 11pm? I dunno) I was pretty much hammered. Then we went BACK out into the world for more BEER!
Here is where things stopped being as amazing. I was taken to a place I've never been to before. It's called the Cherry Lounge. It was terrible. It was a club. It felt a bit like a whorehouse to me. (Finally the whores!) Let me describe it. There are large pictures on the walls of basically naked women. Not exactly naked. But close. Wearing as little clothing as possible without being naked. There were also stripper poles all over the place. These were scattered throughout for all the ladies to use. So if you feel you are in the mood to do some pole dancing on top of a table that is lit from below, this is your place! But then the best part was the CAGES. There were big cages with anorexic girls dancing, also basically naked. Dancing like whores in cages. With their pole dancing companions around. AWESOME. Oh yeah, and the lights were all red, so it really brought back memories of window shopping for whores in Amsterdam. Well, needless to say, I had to keep drinking a lot in order to cope with this place. So I basically drowned myself. I am very appreciative of my friend Carol because she helped me get home after 12 hours of drinking. Silly me! Trying to take a cab with only $3 in my wallet...
If you are ever thinking to yourself, "I want to go out and drink! And Liz is coming too! Where should we go?" 99% of the time, a club is not the right answer. 100% of the time, a club with bad music and pole dancers and whores in cages is not the right answer. I don't like whorehouses. At least not dark crowded ones with really loud terrible music. I think this was one of the levels of hell. Did anyone read Inferno? Was he ever at a nightclub? Well, enough beer and liquor and even I can have a little fun at club-whore-hell. But in retrospect, I could have just said BYE! and gone to the irish pub next door. But I was too far gone to think clearly enough for that. It seems so obvious now, but I didn't even think of that option at the time.
I feel a little bad about making people think this would be about prostitutes, and fooling you into reading that dumb story. So I will go off on a tangent and mention the prostitute that was in front of me in line at Walmart once. I can't actually prove she was a hooker. But let me assure you, she was a hooker. There were shiny silver and black spandex pants. There was a silver and white fur coar that seemed to be made out of a dead tiger. If tigers were silver. And huge blond hair with a whole can of hairspray. And Boots. HOOKER BOOTS. I waited in the line behind her for a few minutes, amazed that there was an actual hooker in front of me. I don't really see a lot of prostitutes up close like that. Then she turned around. OH SNAP! She was about 8 or 9 months pregnant. And the makeup confirmed it. Definitely a pregnant hooker. Oh yeah. I mean, it's slightly possible it was someone dressed up as a pregnant hooker for Halloween, but she didn't realize she had been sleeping for 6 months and that it wasn't October anymore.... There have been a few other alleged "hookers" that i've encountered at the local Walmart before too. But this was by FAR the most hookery hooker i've seen ever (not counting the ones in various red light districts or working a corner down on Van Buren. Those are obvious hookers. They don't count). The fact that she was pregnant made it a million times more fantastic. I bet there aren't many pregnant hookers down on Van Buren. And I'm sure there is a market for that too. There are a lot of weird people out there...
I just remembered something. If you ever do want to bring me out to a whorehouse, then we can go to House of Tricks. That's a nice whorehouse. They took a whorehouse and turned it into a classy restaurant/bar. They serve a delicious appetizer plate of breads, fruit, and cheeses. Lots of different kinds of cheese. And the music isn't loud. Now that's my kind of brothel.
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
Ahhh silence
The dogs have stopped barking. I think they stopped sometime between 3 and 4am Monday (at least that's when I fell asleep finally). And I haven't heard a single bark since. A few things may have happened:
1. The owner has been home.
2. The dogs have not been home.
3. The dogs got laryngitis from all the barking.
4. The dogs died.
Not sure what the deal is, but, man, am i not complaining. Got an actual night's sleep last night! And I found some helpful websites about how to train dogs to stop barking. If I hear them ever again, I'm taping them to that asshole's door.
1. The owner has been home.
2. The dogs have not been home.
3. The dogs got laryngitis from all the barking.
4. The dogs died.
Not sure what the deal is, but, man, am i not complaining. Got an actual night's sleep last night! And I found some helpful websites about how to train dogs to stop barking. If I hear them ever again, I'm taping them to that asshole's door.
Monday, March 17, 2008
Can dogs be trained to shut the fuck up????
I love dogs. I have always loved dogs. Anyone who knows me is aware that I love dogs as much as, if not more than people. And puppies? No contest.
But it is 2am. actually, 215am. I've been listening to a chorus of barking for hours now. Some asshole in my building has two dogs that NEVER stop barking. There are at least two dogs. I just went out there at 2am in my pajamas, in the cold, outside, down the stairs, to check this out. I can see those two fuckers through the window. They were pretty upset about me being there. They sure did bark at me a lot. But I've been inside for 25 minutes and they haven't stopped barking... Sigh......
So anyway, here is my question. I hate listening to these dogs bark. I mean, this is a bad situation for all of the neighbors and i can't imagine these dogs are very happy either. But mainly it's about me. I can't sleep. This is officially a problem now. Do I complain? Is there anything that can be done?
I don't complain about my neighbors. I leave them alone, and i hope that they leave me alone. My current neighbors have been super about leaving me alone. And I have never complained about anyone to the apartment manager. But I really am thinking about it now. For weeks i have been listening to hours of barking every day. If I complain to the neighbor directly, then they get pissed off at me and probably don't do anything. Right?
Is there any possible way to train a dog to stop barking? Is this possible? I don't really want to get the dogs evicted. Or god forbid have the owner forced to get rid of them. Then they end up in a shelter. I can't live with that. No. I just want them to shut up.
If anyone has any information about how to stop dogs from barking (other than surgically removing their vocal cords... or murdering them), PLEASE tell me. Do certain dogs just bark all the time? Is it because they are bored? Because they are scared? What causes this? I would like to go knock on their door with some kind of solution to suggest. Although I am on the verge of just shaking my fist and yelling, "PIPE DOWN!" while making a really mean frowny face. But I don't suppose that is likely to work.
Help!
But it is 2am. actually, 215am. I've been listening to a chorus of barking for hours now. Some asshole in my building has two dogs that NEVER stop barking. There are at least two dogs. I just went out there at 2am in my pajamas, in the cold, outside, down the stairs, to check this out. I can see those two fuckers through the window. They were pretty upset about me being there. They sure did bark at me a lot. But I've been inside for 25 minutes and they haven't stopped barking... Sigh......
So anyway, here is my question. I hate listening to these dogs bark. I mean, this is a bad situation for all of the neighbors and i can't imagine these dogs are very happy either. But mainly it's about me. I can't sleep. This is officially a problem now. Do I complain? Is there anything that can be done?
I don't complain about my neighbors. I leave them alone, and i hope that they leave me alone. My current neighbors have been super about leaving me alone. And I have never complained about anyone to the apartment manager. But I really am thinking about it now. For weeks i have been listening to hours of barking every day. If I complain to the neighbor directly, then they get pissed off at me and probably don't do anything. Right?
Is there any possible way to train a dog to stop barking? Is this possible? I don't really want to get the dogs evicted. Or god forbid have the owner forced to get rid of them. Then they end up in a shelter. I can't live with that. No. I just want them to shut up.
If anyone has any information about how to stop dogs from barking (other than surgically removing their vocal cords... or murdering them), PLEASE tell me. Do certain dogs just bark all the time? Is it because they are bored? Because they are scared? What causes this? I would like to go knock on their door with some kind of solution to suggest. Although I am on the verge of just shaking my fist and yelling, "PIPE DOWN!" while making a really mean frowny face. But I don't suppose that is likely to work.
Help!
Saturday, March 15, 2008
Oh wow, think of the potential!
Hello everyone. I promise there will be something here eventually, this is a work in progress. And we all know I'm pretty lazy, so it could be a while.
But this is exciting! I can write whatever I want for everyone to see! Although, yes, I realize that very few people (no one?) will really read this thing. But I like to rant and rave about the world and my mediocre existence. What better place to vent my frustrations than the internet, right? Besides, this provides the greatest opportunity for me to make myself look like an ass in front of the most people, without even leaving my house.
Perfect!
But this is exciting! I can write whatever I want for everyone to see! Although, yes, I realize that very few people (no one?) will really read this thing. But I like to rant and rave about the world and my mediocre existence. What better place to vent my frustrations than the internet, right? Besides, this provides the greatest opportunity for me to make myself look like an ass in front of the most people, without even leaving my house.
Perfect!
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