Let's Go To a Whorehouse!

Well, now there is this pressure for me to write things on a regular basis. Which is kind of hard right now. All that's been going on this week is dogs barking (still being mercifully quiet, thank goodness) and working. I could complain about work, but I don't have the energy for that. Also, sometimes ridiculous things happen at work and I can write about these things and amuse people. But lately, no. It's just been a drag. And I don't want to bore my fan base. It's a pretty limited fan base, so it wouldn't do to alienate them.

So now you are wondering, "What whores? She said something about whores and this is a lot lamer than I was led to believe it would be... stupid Liz isn't even talking about whores."

Well, keep your pants on. Or not. You know, whatever. Pants are optional here.

So a very smart friend of mine suggested that I start this blog out with the whore story, but I didn't think that was a good idea. That's a lot to live up to. But it's been a few days. I think I've eased into the whore story. Somehow you didn't lose interest yet, even after boring stories about dogs barking. So you earned your hookers!

A couple weeks ago, I went to the Tempe Beer Festival. This was a fun event near the "Lake" in downtown tempe. Specifically it was at the "Beach Park." I must use quotes because it is a pretty poor excuse for a lake. And there is no way to even pretend that there is a beach there. There is a grassy area. That's the most beachy part. I've been to beaches that had grass before. But usually there is also a beach at the beach. But this "beach park" doesn't have a beach. It's just dumb. But anyway, this was an afternoon of drinking lots of different kinds of beer out of tiny beermugs, and getting sunburned. But somehow, in spite of the tiny beers it was still really fun and i got kinda drunk. But then afterwards, we went to a bar where they had regular sized beers. And I had some of those too... then another bar for dinner and a really big beer... then to someone's apartment for some more beers... you get the point. The beerfest really acted more like a catalyst that drove me to drink a LOT of beer at other places besides the beerfest. By late that night (I have no concept of actual time by then. The tiny beers started at 2:30pm. The regular beers started around 6pm. "Late" may have been 11pm? I dunno) I was pretty much hammered. Then we went BACK out into the world for more BEER!

Here is where things stopped being as amazing. I was taken to a place I've never been to before. It's called the Cherry Lounge. It was terrible. It was a club. It felt a bit like a whorehouse to me. (Finally the whores!) Let me describe it. There are large pictures on the walls of basically naked women. Not exactly naked. But close. Wearing as little clothing as possible without being naked. There were also stripper poles all over the place. These were scattered throughout for all the ladies to use. So if you feel you are in the mood to do some pole dancing on top of a table that is lit from below, this is your place! But then the best part was the CAGES. There were big cages with anorexic girls dancing, also basically naked. Dancing like whores in cages. With their pole dancing companions around. AWESOME. Oh yeah, and the lights were all red, so it really brought back memories of window shopping for whores in Amsterdam. Well, needless to say, I had to keep drinking a lot in order to cope with this place. So I basically drowned myself. I am very appreciative of my friend Carol because she helped me get home after 12 hours of drinking. Silly me! Trying to take a cab with only $3 in my wallet...

If you are ever thinking to yourself, "I want to go out and drink! And Liz is coming too! Where should we go?" 99% of the time, a club is not the right answer. 100% of the time, a club with bad music and pole dancers and whores in cages is not the right answer. I don't like whorehouses. At least not dark crowded ones with really loud terrible music. I think this was one of the levels of hell. Did anyone read Inferno? Was he ever at a nightclub? Well, enough beer and liquor and even I can have a little fun at club-whore-hell. But in retrospect, I could have just said BYE! and gone to the irish pub next door. But I was too far gone to think clearly enough for that. It seems so obvious now, but I didn't even think of that option at the time.

I feel a little bad about making people think this would be about prostitutes, and fooling you into reading that dumb story. So I will go off on a tangent and mention the prostitute that was in front of me in line at Walmart once. I can't actually prove she was a hooker. But let me assure you, she was a hooker. There were shiny silver and black spandex pants. There was a silver and white fur coar that seemed to be made out of a dead tiger. If tigers were silver. And huge blond hair with a whole can of hairspray. And Boots. HOOKER BOOTS. I waited in the line behind her for a few minutes, amazed that there was an actual hooker in front of me. I don't really see a lot of prostitutes up close like that. Then she turned around. OH SNAP! She was about 8 or 9 months pregnant. And the makeup confirmed it. Definitely a pregnant hooker. Oh yeah. I mean, it's slightly possible it was someone dressed up as a pregnant hooker for Halloween, but she didn't realize she had been sleeping for 6 months and that it wasn't October anymore.... There have been a few other alleged "hookers" that i've encountered at the local Walmart before too. But this was by FAR the most hookery hooker i've seen ever (not counting the ones in various red light districts or working a corner down on Van Buren. Those are obvious hookers. They don't count). The fact that she was pregnant made it a million times more fantastic. I bet there aren't many pregnant hookers down on Van Buren. And I'm sure there is a market for that too. There are a lot of weird people out there...

I just remembered something. If you ever do want to bring me out to a whorehouse, then we can go to House of Tricks. That's a nice whorehouse. They took a whorehouse and turned it into a classy restaurant/bar. They serve a delicious appetizer plate of breads, fruit, and cheeses. Lots of different kinds of cheese. And the music isn't loud. Now that's my kind of brothel.